If evolution is true, then how could human beings have ridden on the backs of dinosaurs like they did in ancient times?   This is just another liberal myth -- like global warming and human rights -- designed to confuse true SONS OF THE WORD!

"For the TRUTHS of man are but Satan's lies in the eyes of our Lord who seeth all things with the eyes of eternal glory!"

My Choice for President of These United States of America

Friends of mine in beautiful Liberty City keep asking me who I plan to support for President of these United States of America after those two true CHILDREN OF THE WORD, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann were forced to withdraw from the race because of the lack of faith on the part of the Republican party establishment.   Now I have no doubts that either Rick or Michele would have made a fine president, despite their obvious limitations (him being a Catholic and her being a woman).  Both are GOD-FEARING, BIBLE-LOVING, ABORTION AND HOMOSEXUAL-HATING prophets of TRUTH AND LIBERTY.  Michele Bachmann is also quite a looker, if you ask me, and I often dream of finding a woman just like her with whom to sire the next generation of God-loving Dowds.

I told my best friend, and fellow Sorghum lover, Jeff Klinestuck, the general manager of the Humbolt County Feed Emporium in Homer, Kansas, that all I ask for in a presidental candidate is someone who...

• believes in the LITERAL TRUTH of Scripture and who does not question that TRUTH even in the darkest recesses of his heart.
• Those who do not believe in the literal truth of scripture will never understand this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF ALL CREATION AND THAT PRINCIPLE FROM WHICH ALL OTHER MORAL PRINCIPLES FLOW.
• If they don't understand this principle in their HEART OF HEARTS then they cannot be saved and therefore should not be voting for the next President of our Christian nation.

Based upon this first principle [which is also the FIRST AND MOST SUBLIME PRINCIPLE OF POLITICS], it follows that a true SON OF THE WORD who is a presidential candidate must also be one who...

• hates abortion with his whole heart mind and soul and hates those women who would murder their offspring with equal venom in his HEART OF HEARTS.
• for God has declared in Scripture "THOU SHALT NOT KILL THE INNOCENT."
• based upon this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF LIFE, this SON OF THE WORD must also support capital punishment and second amendment rights, for it follows that, if God loves the innocent, then he hates the evil-doer and wants his faithful to arm themselves against them with weapons of their choice.

• hates the homosexual with equal venom
• for God has made it clear in Scripture that a man shall not put his member in, on, or near, another man's member in wanton desire and a woman may not place her lips on another woman's bosom or belly under penalty of death.
• This principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF CONGENITAL MISCREATION, is not spelled out exactly in Scripture but is sufficiently implied to warrant acceptance by all.
• for, although "the heathen and apostate may not interpret God's law, the man who has been chosen to be among the elect, may."  And I am such a man or I would not be writing this right now.

•  hates the liberal environmentalist wacko who would deny the fruits of profit to the legitimate, God-fearing businessman in his deluded quest to "heal" the planet.
• But the planet cannot be healed, because it has not been harmed.  Why, Rush Limbaugh has proven that the planet is actually in better shape today than it ever has been in at least a million years. And, if you don't believe this, then you are beyond reason.
• And you must infer from this that all this idle chatter about Global-warming is an evil  liberal hoax designed to cause consternation to God's faithful.
• and, even if the planet is being destroyed by our actions -- which it is most certainly NOT -- this is God's will and we must accept it joyfully, since it will bring about the Rapture all the sooner.
• and, if you don't like this idea, then you most certainly are not one of God's elect. 

• loves America like a sweet young virgin unsoiled by the degenerate poisons of our age and who has hips broad enough to sire a dozen or more manly offspring and who loves the Lord with a pure and unadulterated love and whose smile is as pure as the first snows of winter and whose loins are undefiled by human members.  
• This is America as personified by Sara Palin, who, along with Michele Bachmann, is the ultimate symbol of American purity in our wanton age!

• loves freedom and liberty with the very core of his being, because FREEDOM is God's first and most wonderful gift to mankind.
• I call this THE SECOND PRINCIPLE OF GOD'S SACRED GIFT OF LIBERTY, the first being LIVE FREE OR DIE and the third being THERE IS NO FREEDOM WITHOUT ASSAULT WEAPONS.

Based upon these exacting standards, my choice for President of the United States is Terry Jones,a devoted minister of the WORD from a legitimate congregation, who hates the feminist-abortionist-homosexual-liberal agenda with his whole heart and soul and who loves his country and defends FREEDOM like a true PATRIOT.

...and that is exactly why I'm supporting TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012.

And in case you were considering voting for some candidate other than Terry Jones for President, consider this....

• It has been proven that Obama--who isn't even a real American--is a radical Islamic operative who has been put in power to destroy Christianity, undermine our American way of life, and hand the entire nation over to the SONS of MOHAMMED to usher in a long dark age of Muslim dominance over all of us.
• Mitt Romney is a Mormon....enough said.

TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT 2012

Those Whom Jesus Hateth!

I’ve been studying the GOOD BOOK since I was a young Bible student at the regionally acclaimed Johann Jakob Scheuchzer Sunday School of the First Methodist Church of Liberty City.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the righteous purity of God’s sacred WORD as revealed through the majestic verses of Scripture (particularly in its original and proper form found only in the King James Bible).  

Lately, I’ve even begun taking private lessons in scripture studies from our own renowned Pastor Rafter, the divinely inspired congregational leader at our Methodist Church.  He’s often told me that if he had one hundred true SONS OF THE WORD like Lance P. Dowd he could march into Sodom itself (aka New York City) and restore the kingdom of God on earth in “two shakes of the devil’s tail.”  That’s no small praise coming from the author of The Beginner’s Guide to Eternal Damnation: A Cautionary Tale for Would-Be Christians!   

So let’s just say, then, that when it comes to God’s word, I’m just about as much of an authority as you are likely to find in this sin-soaked world of ours.

And that’s why I get seriously offended by those naïve fools who attempt to interpret scripture to fit their own blasphemous ideas rather than those of our good Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  I met a Catholic nun once who kept blathering about love, love, love.  That’s all this deluded fool got out of 70 years of reading the bible.  “It’s all about love and forgiveness,” she said to me while we were waiting on line for tickets to the Kansas City production of Cats (the smuttiest nonsense I have ever seen!). 

But this devil in woman’s clothing couldn’t deceive me.  For I knew even then that Jesus hates liberal do-gooders who would substitute His divine word for so-called “social activism.”  And quoting the same book that she had so villainously defiled, I said to her…

This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcasses of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. (1 Samuel 17:46)

That shut up that disciple of the Roman Antichrist pretty quickly, I can assure you of that!

For you see, my years of intense scripture study have convinced me that Jesus surely loves his many faithful disciples. If you are a member of a reputable Christian denomination (Baptist, Methodist, and Evangelicals in general are just fine; Episcopalians and Lutherans are most assuredly not), then Jesus loves you.   If you are a true SON OF THE WORD like I am, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a member of the Republican, Conservative, or Right-to-Life Party, then Jesus loves you (he also loves a few righteous Libertarians like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity).  If you are a testosterone-charged man of a man, who can think of no greater pleasure in life than making sweet genital love in the missionary position to his ample-bosomed Christian wife solely for the purpose of siring future generations of RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a devout Christian warrior who lives for waging battle with the Devil’s most accursed disciples—ATHIESTS, COMMUNISTS, HOMOSEXUALS, LIBERALS, HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES, PERFORMANCE ARTISTS, HUMANISTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, MIMES, SCIENTISTS, THOSE SO-CALLED MEN WHO “DON THE GARB OF THE FEMALE FOR PLEASURE OR PROFIT OR PERFORMANCE,” AND ALL THOSE LIVING SOUTH OF AUGUSTA, MAINE, NORTH OF SAVANNAH, GEORGIA, OR ANYWHERE ON THE ACCURSED WEST COAST—then Jesus loves you!

Based upon frequent consultations with Pastor Rafter, who is well versed in all matters concerning the Rapture, I estimate that Jesus loves approximately 4275 living human beings (3946 are living in the Bible Belt or Heartland of the United States and the rest are in the Holy Lands waiting for the Apocalypse).  These are just estimates of course, but Pastor Rafter thinks my numbers are probably fairly accurate.  “You’re onto something here, Lance, my boy,” he frequently tells me during our late nights together in his darkened office, preparing body and mind for the rapture that is to come.  After these sessions my flesh is often sore from his painful yet strangely tender ministrations, but I take consolation in his assurance that, if he can beat the devil of inconvenience out of my flesh and the sinful wages of lust from my heart, I will most assuredly be prepared to receive the still sweeter consolations that Jesus Christ has in store for me in the life to come!

But I digress.  Jesus loves his TRUE DISCIPLES, but scripture assures us that he “hateth all others.”  He hateth the cursed Jew who crucified him on the “tree of our salvation,” but enjoins us to pray for the Jews’ conversion so that He may cometh again in glory on the last days.  He hateth the mamby-pamby who continually prays for his forgiveness, for “there is no forgiveness possible for the iniquitous and those who enjoin their bodies in lustful pleasure with small woodland creatures.”  He hateth all those who worketh to create the kingdom of God in this world by using the political process to “free the slave and liberate the oppressed,” for he kneweth that such do-gooder, liberal-leaning, sons of Methuselah care not for the world to come, “which is our true home and our most proper abode.”  And He really hateth those who would proclaim that deluded message of the environmental wacko-fascists-athiests, who, in their misguided efforts to “heal” our planet, would make those of us who are already prepared for the rapture wait even longer for this sinful world of ours to be swept away into oblivion.   

In short, Jesus hateth quite a lot of people.  But he is our most just and gracious Lord, so his hatred, though fierce, is perfectly reasonable and appropriate (Can any sane person possibly doubt this?).  And if you are one of those who Christ hateth, then you best prepare yourself for the judgment to come.  As our Lord himself said, “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.  For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law” (Matthew 10:34-35). 

Of course, you really can’t prepare in any way for his wrath, since “you know not the time nor the hour.”  And you cannot ask for forgiveness, since, as I’ve already mentioned, Our Holy Master is not particularly fond of those who plead for mercy.  “Have pity on me, Lord,” they shall say, “and let me be part of thy elect.” But Jesus intensely hateth those who would whine on those last days when their bodies are being torn asunder by the demons of the underworld and will rejoiceth as they are made to eat the bowels of their parents and children as an appetizer for “the true feast of their damnation.”

I know that all of this probably all sounds like fairly heavy stuff, and indeed it is if you are not one of those 4275 people that God loves and will raise up to suckle at his bosom on the last days.  Fortunately, I’m one of these folks, so I care not for the “terrors that await the sodomite and the unbeliever.”  I say, let the great conflagration come.  I can hardly contain my excitement!

Until then, I plan to continue my search for a wholesome Christian bride, who can bear many strapping sons for me to rejoice with when the Rapture comes, to keep playing my accordion at the First Methodist Church of Liberty City, and to enthusiastically spread the word about the amazing works of our Lord to all those whom he has preordained would listen to this message of salvation and who thus will be spared the unspeakable and horrific torments that await the rest of mankind. 

What a wonderful life this is, isn’t it?

The Ultimate Discrimination

Liberals are constantly up in arms about discrimination—discrimination towards minorities, the poor, women, gays…you name it.  But I personally think that it’s just a myth that these groups are discriminated against.   Why, gays, for example, never had it better in this country than they do right now.  They’ve taken over most of our government and are rapidly becoming the majority in places like New York, Vermont, and California.   Soon we’ll all be forced to drink lattes and spend all of our time watching the Home Shopping Network.

And minorities sure can’t complain about anything, because one of their own has seized the White House.  In fact, it’s predicted that by 2050 the original white population of this amazing country of ours will wither away to practically nothing.  I’ve even heard statistics by those in the know about this issue that by 2087 there will only be about 23 people left in the country with pure Anglo-Saxon genes left uncontaminated by interracial fraternization, and all 23 will be living in Hopewell Junction, Montana (I’m saving up to buy some property there myself, just in case these predictions prove to be accurate).  The rest of the country will be some big melting pot filled with people whose gene pools have been so diluted by sordid misogynistic fraternization that they won’t even know what race they belong to! 

So I don’t really believe much in all these tales about discrimination that liberals keep dredging up.  It’s just an excuse to make good, honest, hardworking, heterosexual males like me feel guilty for the extraordinary blessings that I’ve received from the Almighty as a reward for our utter and complete fidelity to HIS WORD and HIS COVENANT.  Believe me, God knows darn well who deserves to reap the material blessings of this world and the spiritual blessings of HIS HEAVENLY KINGDOM and who doesn’t.  So if you’re a godless, effeminate liberal living in some degenerate big city like New York or San Francisco and you’re having a hard time in life, my advice to you is to stop moaning and complaining about how the world’s discriminating against you, and get some TRUE FAITH quickly so that you can become one of God’s chosen like me.  Then you’ll have all the blessings that you want in life and money will come pouring into your wallet like manna from heaven.  And if you don’t believe this then read the Bible, which is HIS WORD, and your mind will become open to THE TRUTH.

But enough of my sermonizing. 

What I really wanted to talk about is the ONLY REAL FORM of discrimination that still exists in this fallen world of ours.  This is TRUE INJUSTICE that should make every GOD-FEARING man, woman, and child take up arms and DEMAND JUSTICE!  What I’m talking about, of course, is the latest report from the U.S. Grains Council that shows where all of our U.S. agricultural subsidies are going. 

As you can see, inferior crops like corn, wheat, soybeans, cotton, and rice are getting almost all of your tax dollars.  And what about sorghum—that purest and most wholesome of all grains, the grain that God himself gave mankind as sustenance for our earthly bodies?  Why the entire sorghum industry only received a pitiful $249 million dollars in federal subsidies in 2010.  Can you believe it?

Now, in general, like all good Christian conservatives, I’m opposed to just about every form of tax ever conceived.  I sure don’t want my hard-earned money confiscated by the government and used to pay for some inner-city, unmarried, welfare queen’s fancy penthouse apartment or pay for educational programs to turn our children into HOMOSEXUAL, ATHEIST  SOCIALISTS (as the current administration would like).  In fact, I’d like to see just about every federal program strangled at birth, like some malformed chicken with five legs who has no right living anyway.   

But if we’re going to use tax dollars for anything, I can think of nothing more proper than to use them to subsidize the great American sorghum industry, which has given the world so many wonderful products that make life worth living.  Can you imagine, for example, not having sorghum and tuna casserole at your local Church picnic?  It would be unthinkable!!!

Folks like Delmar DuPree, President of the Wheat Growers Council of America, would tell you that the reason why wheat crops got $1.7 billion in subsidies is because God’s heavenly wafer consumed at the Last Supper was made from partially refined, bleached wheat.  But I think that there is some real debate about this from scripture scholars these days.  In fact, I was reading in my handy Bob Jones Biblical Concordance that the grain out of which the blessed loaf consumed by OUR MASTER and his disciples was made could have been any number of different grains common in the Holy Land.  And guess what grain is often grown there?  That’s right: good, wholesome sorghum. 

So, based upon this irrefutable evidence from one of the leading Christian Universities in the world, here’s why you need to support greater subsidizes for sorghum:

1. The Body of our Lord was transmitted to his disciples in the form of a loaf made from sorghum. 
2. When we consume this heavenly wafer, we become one with the Almighty.
3. So eating sorghum and sorghum-based products is the fastest way to attain salvation and earn your heavenly reward.
4. Taxation is only legitimate if it helps lead folks to salvation. 
5. Therefore, it is perfectly just and proper to use tax dollars to subsidize sorghum, save all of mankind from the snares of the devil, and ensure that God’s kingdom on earth will be established.

Please feel free to send this argument to your local representative and urge him to continue to support subsidies for the sorghum industry.

Lance B. Dowd
President, Sorghum Association of America 

The Great Liberal Conspiracy

It's bad enough that East Coast liberals want to destroy this amazing country of ours - this SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - with their degenerate atheist, communist, homosexual agendas, but now they've done something so heinous that even this SON OF THE GREAT HEARTLAND is fuming with rage.

Why, I can hardly contain my righteous indignation!

If I wasn't head organist of the First Church of Liberty City and a role model for Christian youth in my community, I might even be inclined to burst forth with a slew of invectives at the odious and nefarious machinations of these destroyers of that which is good, noble, and pure in our great nation.

And what is it, you might ask, that has so enraged me???

Why, it is the sudden and inexplicable increase in the wholesale price of sorghum on the U.S. Grains Commodities Market from $255.00 per metric ton to a ghastly $273.00 per metric ton in a little over three months!

Sweet Lord, it's difficult enough to convince Americans to give up their perverse  love affair with inferior grain products--wheat, barley, and millet--but now we also have to deal with insanely high commodity prices for that most wholesome and pure of all GOD'S GREAT GRAINS -- sweet, savory, sublime SORGHUM!

It's enough to make a true SON OF THE WORD like yours truly almost give in to despair!

But fear not, faithful readers, for I am on my way to that DEN OF ALL VICE AND INIQUITY itself, Washington, DC, to ask my congressional representative, the honorable Tim Huelskamp, to call for an inquiry in the House of Representatives into what I believe is an evil plot to manipulate the price of sorghum on the commodities market.

As President of the Sorghum Association of America, I am privy to highly classified information that most Americans are unaware of.  And I am convinced that a great conspiracy has been hatched between the Communist Party of America and NAMBLA to manipulate the price of sorghum in order to create a coup to take over this great country of ours!  It's true, as God is my witness!!!  

Just imagine what the results of this plot would be: the price of sorghum would increase so dramatically that parents would not be able to serve their children sorghum and pudding pie, sorghum souffle would be available only in the most affluent of households, and the sorghum-based lotions that pious Christian mothers rub on their baby's sore bottoms would be priced right out of the market.

If you believe, as I do, in GOD, TRUTH, COUNTRY, and JUSTICE,  then be sure to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to FIGHT THE EVIL MANIPULATION of the sorghum commodities market!

God bless America
and
God bless sorghum, America's most wholesome grain!!!

The Facts...and Only the Facts

I've gotten involved in a debate with liberal, East Coast academics concerning THE FACTS about the human condition.  You see, these snobby atheists types doubt the truth of the Holy Bible, which everyone knows is the word of God Himself as revealed to man.  They doubt that human life has any rhyme, reason, or purpose.

But this Son of the Word set the academics straight, informing them about THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE:

Fact #1: The world was created by God who is all perfect, all loving, and all knowing. This fact has been established by all the great religions of the world and the greatest thinkers throughout the centuries.

Fact #2: We have been created for a purpose: to know, love, and serve God. To the extent that we do this, our lives are not meaningless or absurd. They have a very clear and definite purpose.

Fact #3: Death is certainly not the end of life. Those who have been saved have the promise of eternal life with the Father in heaven. We are merely passing through this world on our way to the next, like travelers to a more beautiful distant land. We may have trials and tribulations in this life, but they are nothing compared to the treasures that await us in the next life.

Fact #4: Those who deny the Father or his Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, will be subject to His judgment and will not experience the heavenly bliss promised to those who have been saved. This has clearly been established in Scripture: "“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the Eternal Fire (HELL) prepared for the Devil and His Demons." (Matt 25:41)and "That is the way it will be at the End of the World. The Angels will come and separate the Wicked people from the Righteous, throwing the Wicked into the FIERY FURNACE, where there will be WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH." (Matt 13:49-50)

These are THE FACTS that all true believers know, but which atheists in their arrogance and self-absorption have forgotten.

Trials and Tribulations

Source:  Sweetwater Times Herald Tribune (March 23, 2012)

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to fight for what is good, noble, and just against the dark forces of iniquity and perversity. And in such dire times a man has to stand true to his convictions, even if he will be persecuted for it.  Yesterday, I experienced my own Calvary moment and it made me appreciate the sorrows and agony that our own SWEET LORD experienced when he too stood up against the combined forces of SATAN and LIBERAL IDEOLOGY to "usher in our eternal glory in the name of the Father."

Now it so happens that a certain wonderful agricultural corporation that is responsible for the delectable cuts of pork and slabs of bacon that we all enjoy so much (and everyone in these parts knows who I am talking about) was interested in providing the good people of Kansas with a processing plant for pig by-products (hoofs, knees, testicles, and snouts) that are often used to create their tasty hot dogs and sundry sausages.  The plant would have been located outside of Sweetwater, Kansas, and would have meant factory jobs at the prime rate of $7.35 an hour (10 cents an hour above the minimum wage!).  All this good company asked for was about 100 acres of Sweetwater State Preserve that are virtually lying fallow as recreational land, tax breaks for the next 75 years, and the freedom from the state's onerous requirements of an environmental impact study. 

What's not to love about this kind of plan?  It's a win-win for everyone.  The people of the state get well-paying JOBS and vital land gets turned into a magical place where the underappreciated by-products of the pig--a most noble animal if ever there was one--get transformed into a delicious and nutritious substance that people around here love to eat!

But this great opportunity was about to be lost because of the selfish and ungodly actions of local environmentalists, who, in a huge leap of logic and sanity, were trying to argue that it would be wrong to give state lands that belong to the people over to a corporation.  Now, "ENVIRONMENTALIST," as you probably know, is just a code name for "ATHEIST," because the environmentalist does not understand that God gave us "the land to use for profit and industry" and "beast of the field to be transformed into victuals for man's sustenance."  And that He loves corporations like his own dear beautiful children because He knows that they have made the United States the only place on earth where HIS WORD will one day become law.

So I stood up like St. Paul before Nero and tried to get these deluded fools to understand that corporations are people too, with feelings, just like we have.  And it hurts the feelings of corporations when they are prevented from doing whatever they want to maximize their profits.  And I said that if we stood in the way of this noble industry, God would judge us most harshly when we "passed through the dark shroud of this world to grovel before him in his wrathful judgement" because we are standing in the way of the natural and harmonious progress that He wills for us.

But the evil environmentalists jeered at me and called me a fool and a whore for agribusiness and told me that I needed to find "a good psychiatrist to address my serious mental issues."  As if being a true and literal follower of the SACRED WORD of the ALMIGHTY and a Rick Santorum supporter was a sign of mental illness!

So I spoke "truth to the ungodly" and was mocked for it, even as our Christ was mocked on the cross "by the harlot and the sodomite."  But at least I made the local paper, and the head of my Church, Pastor Mordecai Rafter, called me "a TRUE SON OF THE WORD for standing up against the COMMUNIST-ATHEIST-HOMOSEXUAL-EAST-COAST-ELITIST-ENVIRONMENTALIST agenda that seeks to create a false paradise of this fallen world instead of focusing on our TRUE HOME in the CELESTIAL KINGDOM with Christ Almighty, his angels, the Prophet Gabriel, and ELOHIM in His magnificence."

That praise, I can assure you, made my sufferings at the hand of these environmental idolaters more easy to bear.  And I went to sleep last night with sweet dreams of the wrath that will inevitably befall the ungodly when HE returns in his glory.  

When Jesus Cometh

There's a lot of talk these days from Christian liberals that makes our master Jesus Christ out to be some kind of do-gooder who became incarnate to teach us about things like love, forgiveness, and human fellowship. Now I'm not saying that these sort of feel-good ideas don't have some small role to play in his teachings (I'm sure you can find them in the Gospels, if you look hard enough).  And, of course we should help our fellow man if it doesn't get in the way of taking care of our families, tending to our properties, and earning our keep on this planet.  But that's not why God ultimately took on human form.

You see, what I have learned from my many years studying HIS WORD and teaching Sunday School at the First Methodist Church of beautiful Liberty City is that our God is a jealous God who demands that we LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, REPENT OUR WAYS, and SIN NO MORE.  This is what our Master came to teach us when he took on human form in Judea over two-thousand years ago. 

The prize of following HIS WAY is salvation.  For you see, I believe that some of us have been chosen to suffer among the ungodly, so that we might have the blessings of eternal life with Christ Almighty after death.  Just imagine it: an eternity singing his praises, worshiping him, loving him, bowing down before him, and submitting joyfully to him in his rapturous glory!  I ask you: what could be more wonderful than that?  I guess that's why they call it heaven!!!

But what of those who transgress HIS LAWS?  What will happen to those wicked men and women on the last days? Pastor Rafter, who is as as wise a man as I have found in this life, says that they will endure unspeakable torments at the hands of the minsters of the Anti-Christ:  endless agony for those who "laugh now, but who later will wail unceasingly." 

But I have my own theories about what will happen to the ungodly in the next life, and I think they are much worse than the torments of hell preached by the good Pastor Rafter.  I think that the wicked will actually be forced to spend eternity engaging in all the sinful actions that have condemned them--fornication, drunkenness, idleness, gambling, homosexuality, making lewd jokes, smoking marijuana, listening to rock and roll, and reading salacious materials.  But, while the righteous will be permitted to obsequiously grovel before our Lord and sing his praises "till the heavens cease to be," the unrighteous will be locked out of the CELESTIAL TEMPLE.  Let's see how long it is before these folks begin to tire of  their vices and beg to be let in to grovel before the Lord with the Elect.  But the "door will remain barred to the sodomite and the shameless woman." 

That is truly the worst punishment that I could ever imagine!  You don't have to worry, though, if you are among God's Elect.  But how will you know if you are among those who will be saved?  It's not quite so easy to figure this out, but if you are in any of the following groups there's a very good chance that your experiences during the rapture will not be quite as pleasant as it will be for those of us who "have cast off all thoughts of this life for the life beyond":

Catholics (and all other Christians not of the Covenant)
Mormons
Buddhists
Hindus
Muslims
Reformed Jews
East Coast Dwellers
Homosexuals
Pornographers (and all smut peddlers)
Those who lie with beasts of the field or barn
Democrats (and all other godless liberals)
Communists
The Chinese

This, of course, is an incomplete list.  Anyone who is "of this world" will not be permitted entry into the next world.  In the end, only a handful of us may be raised up at the end times and the rest condemned.  Let's just call that the MYSTERIOUS JUSTICE OF THE LORD!

God Bless America

I know it sounds a bit corny, but "God Bless America" really is my favorite song.  Whenever I play it on the accordion for folks at gatherings after church and at county picnics, I always get a lump in my throat. 

And why not?  We are living in the greatest, most powerful, most decent, and most god-fearing country in the world.  Yes we have some problems (so-called intellectuals on the coasts, homosexuals with their "gay agendas" trying to convert the rest of us, socialists who try to pass themselves off as real Americans, and an alien President who is determined to destroy the Constitution).  But most of us where I live anyway "love and fear the Lord, tremble in his presence, and bow down to serve him."

"God Bless America" perfectly captures that noble spirit that has made our country the envy of the entire world.  Why, you don't hear about people wanting to move to Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Uganda....But everyone wants to live in the U.S.A., because we have what all men long for in their heart of hearts:  GOD, TRUTH, FREEDOM, RIGHTEOUSNESS, and  DECENCY.

So yes, God does bless America
and it will always be the land that I will always love.
And I sure as heck hope that He, in his mercy, continues to stand by her
and guide her through the dark night of the Obama occupation
with his bright light of truth shining from above.

AMEN

Rick Santorum - An American Hero

There's been a lot of bashing of Rick Santorum by the leftist, elitist, God-hating American media lately. Maybe these folks are just afraid of what might happen if a true BIBLE-LOVING, SON-OF-LIBERTY like Santorum was ever elected president.

You see Santorum believes in marriage, family, truth, liberty, and self-reliance--everything the liberal media, and those who control it on the East Coast, hate. They want our country to be the kind of place where people fornicate just for pleasure (as if sex apart from marriage and the desire to sire offspring could possibly be pleasurable at all!), homosexuality is openly tolerated, and government tries to force us to have things like health insurance, whether we want it or not.

That's why I'm supporting Santorum, even though he is a Catholic and an Italian. I really don't believe that he will be a pawn for some papist agenda like most Catholics, and, although I'm not crazy about foreign types in general, I know that he is a heck of a lot more American than someone with a name like O-BAM-A. At least he wasn't born in Nigeria!

Just in case you weren't completely sold on Santorum, watch this music video which makes the case why he will be a great American president:

Ode to Sorghum

Sorghum,
oh sorghum,
you genius of all grasses!

You who are raised to make
the grain we love so well--
so tasty, yet nutritious too!--
delightful to both man and beast!!!

Family member of
Panicoideae
and the tribe Andropogoneae,
kissing cousin of big bluestem.

You fill my belly
and my soul
with your sweet goodness,
and for that I love you
as I love
no other wholesome grain.

I call you sorghum
but you are known
by oh so many other
delectable names...

Durra,
Egyptian Millet,
Feterita, Guinea Corn ,
Jwari,
Jowar Juwar, Milo,
Kaolian,
Shallu,
Sudan Grass,
Jondle,
Cholam,
Jola,
Jonnalu,
Gaoliang,
Great Millet,
Kafir Corn,
Mtama,
Solam.

O sweet sorghum,
when will you be loved
by the sons of Adam
as you are meant to be?
When will we realize
that all grains are not equal
and that your nutty goodness
is the ultimate balm
in the dark times.

"Ode to Sorghum"
[Sung at all meetings of the Sorghum Association of America]
words and music by Lance B. Dowd
President: Sorghum Association of America

Waiting for Ms Right

People always ask me if it is difficult being a 37 year old virgin.  And I tell them that it's no more difficult for me than it was for our master, Jesus Christ.  He was only 33 years old when he ascended to his glory, but that's still 33 years on this planet without the comforts and consolations afforded by the gentler sex.

Now, I sure as heck could have settled down a long time ago with any number of fine women.  My job playing in organ in church provides ample opportunities for me to banter and share anecdotes with the young ladies who attend services at the First Methodist Church here in good old Liberty City.  And some of them are quite gentle on the eyes too.  One of these young ladies even offered to help relieve me of the load I am carrying and invited me back to her place after Church one afternoon for "sweet consolations."  I assured her, however, that my load is no greater than that of our Savior, and I was just as happy as he to bear it without complaint. 

One day, I'm sure, I'll find a woman from the great heartland who shares my passions for Church music, sorghum propagation, and LIBERTY (i.e., opposition to the great Socialist agenda).  And when I find that sweet miss, I'll most assuredly ask for her hand in marriage and sow her ripe womb with my righteous seed.  It's the duty of all GOD-fearing, liberty-loving, sons of sorghum to spread their seed on this planet before the rapture comes and takes them away.  And if I fail to bear offspring, how are they going to enjoy the pleasure of seeing the iniquitous (i.e., East Coast communists, atheists, and homosexuals) burn in the great ARMAGEDDON that has been prophesied to come.

Enough of all this day-dreaming.  It's almost time for Billy McPherson's accordion lesson!

I can dream, can't I?

Sorghum

My buddy, Norbert Gressner, once asked me, "Lance, how can you be so passionate about something as boring as sorghum?"

I said to him, "Norbert, the very fact that you ask such a question, shows how gosh darn little you know about the wonderful qualities of American sorghum."

I remember the first time I was alone in a vast field of seductively swaying sorghum.  My father let me run loose through a local field, not far from downtown Liberty City, so that I could get some exercise after a 3 hour Easter service at our local church.  I remember running through the fields, the wind blowing through the stalks of golden sorghum.  And I thought to myself, if there was a heaven, it must be exactly like this. 

Since that time, I have come to love sorghum and everything it represents:  its natural purity, its "grown right here in the good old U.S.A." wholesomeness, and its reliability at a time when very few of our American institutions are all that reliable any longer.  It represents what is truest and best about our American way of life.  And best of all, it's grown right in God's own country--the tried and true state of Kansas!

That, in short, is why I have spent the past ten years acting as an advocate for this wonderful, yet under-appreciated grain. 

You can have your wheat and barley and rye.  I'll take sweet, savory sorghum any ding-dong day of the week!

Why I am Writing This Post

When I told the members of my Church--the First Methodist Church of Liberty City--that I was planning to enter the wild world of blogging, they were naturally bewildered.  And I could certainly understand why:  with a rich life like mine, why would I want to spend time trying to use the devil's own tools to try to lead my fellow man along the biways and highways of righteousness.
Just to fill you in about me, I am currently serving as the President of the Sorghum Association of America and spend most of my time working with my local Church.  Although I live with my sweet old mother, Mrs. Erma Dowd, in our family home outside of Liberty City, I earn my keep teaching accordion and substitute teaching at our local high school.

So you see, my life is plenty rich enough without having to spend time sharing the wisdom that I have gained lo these 37 years living in GOD's COUNTRY. 

But I also know that there are those folks living in big cities on the east and west coasts who have lost touch with the essential goodness and wisdom of the heartlands.  They spend their time trying to turn this God-fearing land of ours into a bastion of liberalism and a safe-haven for atheists, communists, and homosexuals. 

It is for these misguided individuals that I have taken time away from my immense responsibilities in order to lead them back to the ESSENTIAL GOODNESS that is their birthright.  In this quest, I see myself akin to the prophet Isaiah who also called men and women in his own time to "make straight the way of the Lord."

I believe that we need to return to the three things that made this country of ours great:  (1) fear in the Lord, (2) the traditional values of the heartland, and (3) the consumption of whole grains, especially sweet sorghum and other sorghum-related products.

This, in short, is my mission in life!