I was there with my nephew Mordecai, who lately has begun to follow his wise old uncle into battle against the forces of Satan that are all around us—atheists, homosexuals, communists, and, of course, mimes. Like me, Mordecai understands just how insidious the great mime conspiracy is. He even said to me the other day, “Uncle Lance, doesn’t it seem likely that the GREAT SATAN in the White House practices the evil art of mimery in the Oval Office when no one is watching?” (How perceptive is that, I ask you?) I told him, yes, that GREAT SOCIALIST MALFACTOR is most certainly a leader of the MIME CONSPIRACY, along with Hilary Clinton (also a practicing witch) and the Catholic Pope (who keeps his mime costume hidden under his opulent robes).
Back to the youth conference. Pastor Raftor began by chasing the demons out of some teenage girls in the audience who were seduced by the FATHER OF ALL LIES into wearing UNGODLY ATTIRE that could lead young men to lust in their hearts and lascivious thoughts in their minds. He then shocked all of us by revealing that God had told him that the Rapture was coming sooner than any of us had thought: 285 days from now, he said, the righteous will be raised up into GLORY and the wicked (including all Catholics, Jews, Standup Comics, East and West Coast Dwellers, and, of course, men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit) will be cast into THE FIREY PIT.
The children were in tears; the adults fell to the ground with great groans and heavy sighs, praying to the Almighty to have mercy. But I was not afraid. For I, Lance B. Dowd, son of Irma and Bob V. Dowd, know without a shred of doubt that I am certainly one of GOD’S ELECT. For were I not, why, I ask you, would OUR HEAVENLY FATHER have inspired me to form the JESUSLAND DEVELOPMENT CORPORATION, LLC (our motto: “Wait out the Rapture in comfort and style.”)
It’s sad for me to think that most of you reading this will be left behind when “THAT AWESOME AND TERRIFYING TIME” comes. But that’s what you get for not embracing the TRUE FAITH OF OUR LORD, for consorting with WANTON WOMEN and SHAMELESS MEN, for lusting after THE WICKED THINGS OF THIS WORLD and LAUGHING, LAUGHING, LAUGHING instead of wailing with “TEARS OF TRUE REPENTENCE” for your sinful, ungodly lives. God is indeed merciful and loving, but he’s also a “VENGEFUL GOD,” who will allow sinners like all of you to stew in the fires of your own inequity during those last days while demons pick at your entrails. That’s called “THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF DIVINE JUSTICE.”
Of course, if you want to try to be saved, you can always join us waiting out the Rapture at Jesusland in Plano, Texas (voted sixth most conservative town in the USA). Besides being a very Jesus-friendly place to live, Plano is also the corporate headquarters of some of God’s favorite multinational companies like Frito-Lay, Dr. Pepper, and home of the new custom-built Pizza Hut Park. Elegant homes for elegant evangelicals starting at just $142,000! That’s a bargain that might just save you when the end times come in 285 DAYS!