Trials and Tribulations

Source:  Sweetwater Times Herald Tribune (March 23, 2012)

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to fight for what is good, noble, and just against the dark forces of iniquity and perversity. And in such dire times a man has to stand true to his convictions, even if he will be persecuted for it.  Yesterday, I experienced my own Calvary moment and it made me appreciate the sorrows and agony that our own SWEET LORD experienced when he too stood up against the combined forces of SATAN and LIBERAL IDEOLOGY to "usher in our eternal glory in the name of the Father."

Now it so happens that a certain wonderful agricultural corporation that is responsible for the delectable cuts of pork and slabs of bacon that we all enjoy so much (and everyone in these parts knows who I am talking about) was interested in providing the good people of Kansas with a processing plant for pig by-products (hoofs, knees, testicles, and snouts) that are often used to create their tasty hot dogs and sundry sausages.  The plant would have been located outside of Sweetwater, Kansas, and would have meant factory jobs at the prime rate of $7.35 an hour (10 cents an hour above the minimum wage!).  All this good company asked for was about 100 acres of Sweetwater State Preserve that are virtually lying fallow as recreational land, tax breaks for the next 75 years, and the freedom from the state's onerous requirements of an environmental impact study. 

What's not to love about this kind of plan?  It's a win-win for everyone.  The people of the state get well-paying JOBS and vital land gets turned into a magical place where the underappreciated by-products of the pig--a most noble animal if ever there was one--get transformed into a delicious and nutritious substance that people around here love to eat!

But this great opportunity was about to be lost because of the selfish and ungodly actions of local environmentalists, who, in a huge leap of logic and sanity, were trying to argue that it would be wrong to give state lands that belong to the people over to a corporation.  Now, "ENVIRONMENTALIST," as you probably know, is just a code name for "ATHEIST," because the environmentalist does not understand that God gave us "the land to use for profit and industry" and "beast of the field to be transformed into victuals for man's sustenance."  And that He loves corporations like his own dear beautiful children because He knows that they have made the United States the only place on earth where HIS WORD will one day become law.

So I stood up like St. Paul before Nero and tried to get these deluded fools to understand that corporations are people too, with feelings, just like we have.  And it hurts the feelings of corporations when they are prevented from doing whatever they want to maximize their profits.  And I said that if we stood in the way of this noble industry, God would judge us most harshly when we "passed through the dark shroud of this world to grovel before him in his wrathful judgement" because we are standing in the way of the natural and harmonious progress that He wills for us.

But the evil environmentalists jeered at me and called me a fool and a whore for agribusiness and told me that I needed to find "a good psychiatrist to address my serious mental issues."  As if being a true and literal follower of the SACRED WORD of the ALMIGHTY and a Rick Santorum supporter was a sign of mental illness!

So I spoke "truth to the ungodly" and was mocked for it, even as our Christ was mocked on the cross "by the harlot and the sodomite."  But at least I made the local paper, and the head of my Church, Pastor Mordecai Rafter, called me "a TRUE SON OF THE WORD for standing up against the COMMUNIST-ATHEIST-HOMOSEXUAL-EAST-COAST-ELITIST-ENVIRONMENTALIST agenda that seeks to create a false paradise of this fallen world instead of focusing on our TRUE HOME in the CELESTIAL KINGDOM with Christ Almighty, his angels, the Prophet Gabriel, and ELOHIM in His magnificence."

That praise, I can assure you, made my sufferings at the hand of these environmental idolaters more easy to bear.  And I went to sleep last night with sweet dreams of the wrath that will inevitably befall the ungodly when HE returns in his glory.