Monday, April 30, 2012

The Great Liberal Conspiracy

It's bad enough that East Coast liberals want to destroy this amazing country of ours - this SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - with their degenerate atheist, communist, homosexual agendas, but now they've done something so heinous that even this SON OF THE GREAT HEARTLAND is fuming with rage.

Why, I can hardly contain my righteous indignation!

If I wasn't head organist of the First Church of Liberty City and a role model for Christian youth in my community, I might even be inclined to burst forth with a slew of invectives at the odious and nefarious machinations of these destroyers of that which is good, noble, and pure in our great nation.

And what is it, you might ask, that has so enraged me???

Why, it is the sudden and inexplicable increase in the wholesale price of sorghum on the U.S. Grains Commodities Market from $255.00 per metric ton to a ghastly $273.00 per metric ton in a little over three months!

Sweet Lord, it's difficult enough to convince Americans to give up their perverse  love affair with inferior grain products--wheat, barley, and millet--but now we also have to deal with insanely high commodity prices for that most wholesome and pure of all GOD'S GREAT GRAINS -- sweet, savory, sublime SORGHUM!

It's enough to make a true SON OF THE WORD like yours truly almost give in to despair!

But fear not, faithful readers, for I am on my way to that DEN OF ALL VICE AND INIQUITY itself, Washington, DC, to ask my congressional representative, the honorable Tim Huelskamp, to call for an inquiry in the House of Representatives into what I believe is an evil plot to manipulate the price of sorghum on the commodities market.

As President of the Sorghum Association of America, I am privy to highly classified information that most Americans are unaware of.  And I am convinced that a great conspiracy has been hatched between the Communist Party of America and NAMBLA to manipulate the price of sorghum in order to create a coup to take over this great country of ours!  It's true, as God is my witness!!!  

Just imagine what the results of this plot would be: the price of sorghum would increase so dramatically that parents would not be able to serve their children sorghum and pudding pie, sorghum souffle would be available only in the most affluent of households, and the sorghum-based lotions that pious Christian mothers rub on their baby's sore bottoms would be priced right out of the market.

If you believe, as I do, in GOD, TRUTH, COUNTRY, and JUSTICE,  then be sure to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to FIGHT THE EVIL MANIPULATION of the sorghum commodities market!

God bless America
and
God bless sorghum, America's most wholesome grain!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Facts...and Only the Facts


I've gotten involved in a debate with liberal, East Coast academics concerning THE FACTS about the human condition.  You see, these snobby atheists types doubt the truth of the Holy Bible, which everyone knows is the word of God Himself as revealed to man.  They doubt that human life has any rhyme, reason, or purpose.

But this Son of the Word set the academics straight, informing them about THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE:

Fact #1: The world was created by God who is all perfect, all loving, and all knowing. This fact has been established by all the great religions of the world and the greatest thinkers throughout the centuries.

Fact #2: We have been created for a purpose: to know, love, and serve God. To the extent that we do this, our lives are not meaningless or absurd. They have a very clear and definite purpose.

Fact #3: Death is certainly not the end of life. Those who have been saved have the promise of eternal life with the Father in heaven. We are merely passing through this world on our way to the next, like travelers to a more beautiful distant land. We may have trials and tribulations in this life, but they are nothing compared to the treasures that await us in the next life.

Fact #4: Those who deny the Father or his Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, will be subject to His judgment and will not experience the heavenly bliss promised to those who have been saved. This has clearly been established in Scripture: "“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the Eternal Fire (HELL) prepared for the Devil and His Demons." (Matt 25:41)and "That is the way it will be at the End of the World. The Angels will come and separate the Wicked people from the Righteous, throwing the Wicked into the FIERY FURNACE, where there will be WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH." (Matt 13:49-50)

These are THE FACTS that all true believers know, but which atheists in their arrogance and self-absorption have forgotten.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Trials and Tribulations

Source:  Sweetwater Times Herald Tribune (March 23, 2012)
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to fight for what is good, noble, and just against the dark forces of iniquity and perversity. And in such dire times a man has to stand true to his convictions, even if he will be persecuted for it.  Yesterday, I experienced my own Calvary moment and it made me appreciate the sorrows and agony that our own SWEET LORD experienced when he too stood up against the combined forces of SATAN and LIBERAL IDEOLOGY to "usher in our eternal glory in the name of the Father."

Now it so happens that a certain wonderful agricultural corporation that is responsible for the delectable cuts of pork and slabs of bacon that we all enjoy so much (and everyone in these parts knows who I am talking about) was interested in providing the good people of Kansas with a processing plant for pig by-products (hoofs, knees, testicles, and snouts) that are often used to create their tasty hot dogs and sundry sausages.  The plant would have been located outside of Sweetwater, Kansas, and would have meant factory jobs at the prime rate of $7.35 an hour (10 cents an hour above the minimum wage!).  All this good company asked for was about 100 acres of Sweetwater State Preserve that are virtually lying fallow as recreational land, tax breaks for the next 75 years, and the freedom from the state's onerous requirements of an environmental impact study. 

What's not to love about this kind of plan?  It's a win-win for everyone.  The people of the state get well-paying JOBS and vital land gets turned into a magical place where the underappreciated by-products of the pig--a most noble animal if ever there was one--get transformed into a delicious and nutritious substance that people around here love to eat!

But this great opportunity was about to be lost because of the selfish and ungodly actions of local environmentalists, who, in a huge leap of logic and sanity, were trying to argue that it would be wrong to give state lands that belong to the people over to a corporation.  Now, "ENVIRONMENTALIST," as you probably know, is just a code name for "ATHEIST," because the environmentalist does not understand that God gave us "the land to use for profit and industry" and "beast of the field to be transformed into victuals for man's sustenance."  And that He loves corporations like his own dear beautiful children because He knows that they have made the United States the only place on earth where HIS WORD will one day become law.

So I stood up like St. Paul before Nero and tried to get these deluded fools to understand that corporations are people too, with feelings, just like we have.  And it hurts the feelings of corporations when they are prevented from doing whatever they want to maximize their profits.  And I said that if we stood in the way of this noble industry, God would judge us most harshly when we "passed through the dark shroud of this world to grovel before him in his wrathful judgement" because we are standing in the way of the natural and harmonious progress that He wills for us.

But the evil environmentalists jeered at me and called me a fool and a whore for agribusiness and told me that I needed to find "a good psychiatrist to address my serious mental issues."  As if being a true and literal follower of the SACRED WORD of the ALMIGHTY and a Rick Santorum supporter was a sign of mental illness!

So I spoke "truth to the ungodly" and was mocked for it, even as our Christ was mocked on the cross "by the harlot and the sodomite."  But at least I made the local paper, and the head of my Church, Pastor Mordecai Rafter, called me "a TRUE SON OF THE WORD for standing up against the COMMUNIST-ATHEIST-HOMOSEXUAL-EAST-COAST-ELITIST-ENVIRONMENTALIST agenda that seeks to create a false paradise of this fallen world instead of focusing on our TRUE HOME in the CELESTIAL KINGDOM with Christ Almighty, his angels, the Prophet Gabriel, and ELOHIM in His magnificence."

That praise, I can assure you, made my sufferings at the hand of these environmental idolaters more easy to bear.  And I went to sleep last night with sweet dreams of the wrath that will inevitably befall the ungodly when HE returns in his glory.