Those Whom Jesus Hateth!

I’ve been studying the GOOD BOOK since I was a young Bible student at the regionally acclaimed Johann Jakob Scheuchzer Sunday School of the First Methodist Church of Liberty City.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the righteous purity of God’s sacred WORD as revealed through the majestic verses of Scripture (particularly in its original and proper form found only in the King James Bible).  

Lately, I’ve even begun taking private lessons in scripture studies from our own renowned Pastor Rafter, the divinely inspired congregational leader at our Methodist Church.  He’s often told me that if he had one hundred true SONS OF THE WORD like Lance P. Dowd he could march into Sodom itself (aka New York City) and restore the kingdom of God on earth in “two shakes of the devil’s tail.”  That’s no small praise coming from the author of The Beginner’s Guide to Eternal Damnation: A Cautionary Tale for Would-Be Christians!   

So let’s just say, then, that when it comes to God’s word, I’m just about as much of an authority as you are likely to find in this sin-soaked world of ours.

And that’s why I get seriously offended by those naïve fools who attempt to interpret scripture to fit their own blasphemous ideas rather than those of our good Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  I met a Catholic nun once who kept blathering about love, love, love.  That’s all this deluded fool got out of 70 years of reading the bible.  “It’s all about love and forgiveness,” she said to me while we were waiting on line for tickets to the Kansas City production of Cats (the smuttiest nonsense I have ever seen!). 

But this devil in woman’s clothing couldn’t deceive me.  For I knew even then that Jesus hates liberal do-gooders who would substitute His divine word for so-called “social activism.”  And quoting the same book that she had so villainously defiled, I said to her…

This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcasses of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. (1 Samuel 17:46)

That shut up that disciple of the Roman Antichrist pretty quickly, I can assure you of that!

For you see, my years of intense scripture study have convinced me that Jesus surely loves his many faithful disciples. If you are a member of a reputable Christian denomination (Baptist, Methodist, and Evangelicals in general are just fine; Episcopalians and Lutherans are most assuredly not), then Jesus loves you.   If you are a true SON OF THE WORD like I am, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a member of the Republican, Conservative, or Right-to-Life Party, then Jesus loves you (he also loves a few righteous Libertarians like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity).  If you are a testosterone-charged man of a man, who can think of no greater pleasure in life than making sweet genital love in the missionary position to his ample-bosomed Christian wife solely for the purpose of siring future generations of RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a devout Christian warrior who lives for waging battle with the Devil’s most accursed disciples—ATHIESTS, COMMUNISTS, HOMOSEXUALS, LIBERALS, HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES, PERFORMANCE ARTISTS, HUMANISTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, MIMES, SCIENTISTS, THOSE SO-CALLED MEN WHO “DON THE GARB OF THE FEMALE FOR PLEASURE OR PROFIT OR PERFORMANCE,” AND ALL THOSE LIVING SOUTH OF AUGUSTA, MAINE, NORTH OF SAVANNAH, GEORGIA, OR ANYWHERE ON THE ACCURSED WEST COAST—then Jesus loves you!

Based upon frequent consultations with Pastor Rafter, who is well versed in all matters concerning the Rapture, I estimate that Jesus loves approximately 4275 living human beings (3946 are living in the Bible Belt or Heartland of the United States and the rest are in the Holy Lands waiting for the Apocalypse).  These are just estimates of course, but Pastor Rafter thinks my numbers are probably fairly accurate.  “You’re onto something here, Lance, my boy,” he frequently tells me during our late nights together in his darkened office, preparing body and mind for the rapture that is to come.  After these sessions my flesh is often sore from his painful yet strangely tender ministrations, but I take consolation in his assurance that, if he can beat the devil of inconvenience out of my flesh and the sinful wages of lust from my heart, I will most assuredly be prepared to receive the still sweeter consolations that Jesus Christ has in store for me in the life to come!

But I digress.  Jesus loves his TRUE DISCIPLES, but scripture assures us that he “hateth all others.”  He hateth the cursed Jew who crucified him on the “tree of our salvation,” but enjoins us to pray for the Jews’ conversion so that He may cometh again in glory on the last days.  He hateth the mamby-pamby who continually prays for his forgiveness, for “there is no forgiveness possible for the iniquitous and those who enjoin their bodies in lustful pleasure with small woodland creatures.”  He hateth all those who worketh to create the kingdom of God in this world by using the political process to “free the slave and liberate the oppressed,” for he kneweth that such do-gooder, liberal-leaning, sons of Methuselah care not for the world to come, “which is our true home and our most proper abode.”  And He really hateth those who would proclaim that deluded message of the environmental wacko-fascists-athiests, who, in their misguided efforts to “heal” our planet, would make those of us who are already prepared for the rapture wait even longer for this sinful world of ours to be swept away into oblivion.   

In short, Jesus hateth quite a lot of people.  But he is our most just and gracious Lord, so his hatred, though fierce, is perfectly reasonable and appropriate (Can any sane person possibly doubt this?).  And if you are one of those who Christ hateth, then you best prepare yourself for the judgment to come.  As our Lord himself said, “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.  For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law” (Matthew 10:34-35). 

Of course, you really can’t prepare in any way for his wrath, since “you know not the time nor the hour.”  And you cannot ask for forgiveness, since, as I’ve already mentioned, Our Holy Master is not particularly fond of those who plead for mercy.  “Have pity on me, Lord,” they shall say, “and let me be part of thy elect.” But Jesus intensely hateth those who would whine on those last days when their bodies are being torn asunder by the demons of the underworld and will rejoiceth as they are made to eat the bowels of their parents and children as an appetizer for “the true feast of their damnation.”

I know that all of this probably all sounds like fairly heavy stuff, and indeed it is if you are not one of those 4275 people that God loves and will raise up to suckle at his bosom on the last days.  Fortunately, I’m one of these folks, so I care not for the “terrors that await the sodomite and the unbeliever.”  I say, let the great conflagration come.  I can hardly contain my excitement!

Until then, I plan to continue my search for a wholesome Christian bride, who can bear many strapping sons for me to rejoice with when the Rapture comes, to keep playing my accordion at the First Methodist Church of Liberty City, and to enthusiastically spread the word about the amazing works of our Lord to all those whom he has preordained would listen to this message of salvation and who thus will be spared the unspeakable and horrific torments that await the rest of mankind. 

What a wonderful life this is, isn’t it?