It's bad enough that East Coast liberals want to destroy this amazing country of ours - this SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - with their degenerate atheist, communist, homosexual agendas, but now they've done something so heinous that even this SON OF THE GREAT HEARTLAND is fuming with rage.
Why, I can hardly contain my righteous indignation!
If I wasn't head organist of the First Church of Liberty City and a role model for Christian youth in my community, I might even be inclined to burst forth with a slew of invectives at the odious and nefarious machinations of these destroyers of that which is good, noble, and pure in our great nation.
And what is it, you might ask, that has so enraged me???
Why, it is the sudden and inexplicable increase in the wholesale price of sorghum on the U.S. Grains Commodities Market from $255.00 per metric ton to a ghastly $273.00 per metric ton in a little over three months!
Sweet Lord, it's difficult enough to convince Americans to give up their perverse love affair with inferior grain products--wheat, barley, and millet--but now we also have to deal with insanely high commodity prices for that most wholesome and pure of all GOD'S GREAT GRAINS -- sweet, savory, sublime SORGHUM!
It's enough to make a true SON OF THE WORD like yours truly almost give in to despair!
But fear not, faithful readers, for I am on my way to that DEN OF ALL VICE AND INIQUITY itself, Washington, DC, to ask my congressional representative, the honorable Tim Huelskamp, to call for an inquiry in the House of Representatives into what I believe is an evil plot to manipulate the price of sorghum on the commodities market.
As President of the Sorghum Association of America, I am privy to highly classified information that most Americans are unaware of. And I am convinced that a great conspiracy has been hatched between the Communist Party of America and NAMBLA to manipulate the price of sorghum in order to create a coup to take over this great country of ours! It's true, as God is my witness!!!
Just imagine what the results of this plot would be: the price of sorghum would increase so dramatically that parents would not be able to serve their children sorghum and pudding pie, sorghum souffle would be available only in the most affluent of households, and the sorghum-based lotions that pious Christian mothers rub on their baby's sore bottoms would be priced right out of the market.
If you believe, as I do, in GOD, TRUTH, COUNTRY, and JUSTICE, then be sure to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to FIGHT THE EVIL MANIPULATION of the sorghum commodities market!
God bless America
and
God bless sorghum, America's most wholesome grain!!!
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