Waiting for Ms Right

People always ask me if it is difficult being a 37 year old virgin.  And I tell them that it's no more difficult for me than it was for our master, Jesus Christ.  He was only 33 years old when he ascended to his glory, but that's still 33 years on this planet without the comforts and consolations afforded by the gentler sex.

Now, I sure as heck could have settled down a long time ago with any number of fine women.  My job playing in organ in church provides ample opportunities for me to banter and share anecdotes with the young ladies who attend services at the First Methodist Church here in good old Liberty City.  And some of them are quite gentle on the eyes too.  One of these young ladies even offered to help relieve me of the load I am carrying and invited me back to her place after Church one afternoon for "sweet consolations."  I assured her, however, that my load is no greater than that of our Savior, and I was just as happy as he to bear it without complaint. 

One day, I'm sure, I'll find a woman from the great heartland who shares my passions for Church music, sorghum propagation, and LIBERTY (i.e., opposition to the great Socialist agenda).  And when I find that sweet miss, I'll most assuredly ask for her hand in marriage and sow her ripe womb with my righteous seed.  It's the duty of all GOD-fearing, liberty-loving, sons of sorghum to spread their seed on this planet before the rapture comes and takes them away.  And if I fail to bear offspring, how are they going to enjoy the pleasure of seeing the iniquitous (i.e., East Coast communists, atheists, and homosexuals) burn in the great ARMAGEDDON that has been prophesied to come.

Enough of all this day-dreaming.  It's almost time for Billy McPherson's accordion lesson!

I can dream, can't I?

Sorghum

My buddy, Norbert Gressner, once asked me, "Lance, how can you be so passionate about something as boring as sorghum?"

I said to him, "Norbert, the very fact that you ask such a question, shows how gosh darn little you know about the wonderful qualities of American sorghum."

I remember the first time I was alone in a vast field of seductively swaying sorghum.  My father let me run loose through a local field, not far from downtown Liberty City, so that I could get some exercise after a 3 hour Easter service at our local church.  I remember running through the fields, the wind blowing through the stalks of golden sorghum.  And I thought to myself, if there was a heaven, it must be exactly like this. 

Since that time, I have come to love sorghum and everything it represents:  its natural purity, its "grown right here in the good old U.S.A." wholesomeness, and its reliability at a time when very few of our American institutions are all that reliable any longer.  It represents what is truest and best about our American way of life.  And best of all, it's grown right in God's own country--the tried and true state of Kansas!

That, in short, is why I have spent the past ten years acting as an advocate for this wonderful, yet under-appreciated grain. 

You can have your wheat and barley and rye.  I'll take sweet, savory sorghum any ding-dong day of the week!

Why I am Writing This Post

When I told the members of my Church--the First Methodist Church of Liberty City--that I was planning to enter the wild world of blogging, they were naturally bewildered.  And I could certainly understand why:  with a rich life like mine, why would I want to spend time trying to use the devil's own tools to try to lead my fellow man along the biways and highways of righteousness.
Just to fill you in about me, I am currently serving as the President of the Sorghum Association of America and spend most of my time working with my local Church.  Although I live with my sweet old mother, Mrs. Erma Dowd, in our family home outside of Liberty City, I earn my keep teaching accordion and substitute teaching at our local high school.

So you see, my life is plenty rich enough without having to spend time sharing the wisdom that I have gained lo these 37 years living in GOD's COUNTRY. 

But I also know that there are those folks living in big cities on the east and west coasts who have lost touch with the essential goodness and wisdom of the heartlands.  They spend their time trying to turn this God-fearing land of ours into a bastion of liberalism and a safe-haven for atheists, communists, and homosexuals. 

It is for these misguided individuals that I have taken time away from my immense responsibilities in order to lead them back to the ESSENTIAL GOODNESS that is their birthright.  In this quest, I see myself akin to the prophet Isaiah who also called men and women in his own time to "make straight the way of the Lord."

I believe that we need to return to the three things that made this country of ours great:  (1) fear in the Lord, (2) the traditional values of the heartland, and (3) the consumption of whole grains, especially sweet sorghum and other sorghum-related products.

This, in short, is my mission in life!