The Ultimate Discrimination

Liberals are constantly up in arms about discrimination—discrimination towards minorities, the poor, women, gays…you name it.  But I personally think that it’s just a myth that these groups are discriminated against.   Why, gays, for example, never had it better in this country than they do right now.  They’ve taken over most of our government and are rapidly becoming the majority in places like New York, Vermont, and California.   Soon we’ll all be forced to drink lattes and spend all of our time watching the Home Shopping Network.

And minorities sure can’t complain about anything, because one of their own has seized the White House.  In fact, it’s predicted that by 2050 the original white population of this amazing country of ours will wither away to practically nothing.  I’ve even heard statistics by those in the know about this issue that by 2087 there will only be about 23 people left in the country with pure Anglo-Saxon genes left uncontaminated by interracial fraternization, and all 23 will be living in Hopewell Junction, Montana (I’m saving up to buy some property there myself, just in case these predictions prove to be accurate).  The rest of the country will be some big melting pot filled with people whose gene pools have been so diluted by sordid misogynistic fraternization that they won’t even know what race they belong to! 

So I don’t really believe much in all these tales about discrimination that liberals keep dredging up.  It’s just an excuse to make good, honest, hardworking, heterosexual males like me feel guilty for the extraordinary blessings that I’ve received from the Almighty as a reward for our utter and complete fidelity to HIS WORD and HIS COVENANT.  Believe me, God knows darn well who deserves to reap the material blessings of this world and the spiritual blessings of HIS HEAVENLY KINGDOM and who doesn’t.  So if you’re a godless, effeminate liberal living in some degenerate big city like New York or San Francisco and you’re having a hard time in life, my advice to you is to stop moaning and complaining about how the world’s discriminating against you, and get some TRUE FAITH quickly so that you can become one of God’s chosen like me.  Then you’ll have all the blessings that you want in life and money will come pouring into your wallet like manna from heaven.  And if you don’t believe this then read the Bible, which is HIS WORD, and your mind will become open to THE TRUTH.

But enough of my sermonizing. 

What I really wanted to talk about is the ONLY REAL FORM of discrimination that still exists in this fallen world of ours.  This is TRUE INJUSTICE that should make every GOD-FEARING man, woman, and child take up arms and DEMAND JUSTICE!  What I’m talking about, of course, is the latest report from the U.S. Grains Council that shows where all of our U.S. agricultural subsidies are going. 

As you can see, inferior crops like corn, wheat, soybeans, cotton, and rice are getting almost all of your tax dollars.  And what about sorghum—that purest and most wholesome of all grains, the grain that God himself gave mankind as sustenance for our earthly bodies?  Why the entire sorghum industry only received a pitiful $249 million dollars in federal subsidies in 2010.  Can you believe it?

Now, in general, like all good Christian conservatives, I’m opposed to just about every form of tax ever conceived.  I sure don’t want my hard-earned money confiscated by the government and used to pay for some inner-city, unmarried, welfare queen’s fancy penthouse apartment or pay for educational programs to turn our children into HOMOSEXUAL, ATHEIST  SOCIALISTS (as the current administration would like).  In fact, I’d like to see just about every federal program strangled at birth, like some malformed chicken with five legs who has no right living anyway.   

But if we’re going to use tax dollars for anything, I can think of nothing more proper than to use them to subsidize the great American sorghum industry, which has given the world so many wonderful products that make life worth living.  Can you imagine, for example, not having sorghum and tuna casserole at your local Church picnic?  It would be unthinkable!!!

Folks like Delmar DuPree, President of the Wheat Growers Council of America, would tell you that the reason why wheat crops got $1.7 billion in subsidies is because God’s heavenly wafer consumed at the Last Supper was made from partially refined, bleached wheat.  But I think that there is some real debate about this from scripture scholars these days.  In fact, I was reading in my handy Bob Jones Biblical Concordance that the grain out of which the blessed loaf consumed by OUR MASTER and his disciples was made could have been any number of different grains common in the Holy Land.  And guess what grain is often grown there?  That’s right: good, wholesome sorghum. 

So, based upon this irrefutable evidence from one of the leading Christian Universities in the world, here’s why you need to support greater subsidizes for sorghum:

1. The Body of our Lord was transmitted to his disciples in the form of a loaf made from sorghum. 
2. When we consume this heavenly wafer, we become one with the Almighty.
3. So eating sorghum and sorghum-based products is the fastest way to attain salvation and earn your heavenly reward.
4. Taxation is only legitimate if it helps lead folks to salvation. 
5. Therefore, it is perfectly just and proper to use tax dollars to subsidize sorghum, save all of mankind from the snares of the devil, and ensure that God’s kingdom on earth will be established.

Please feel free to send this argument to your local representative and urge him to continue to support subsidies for the sorghum industry.

Lance B. Dowd
President, Sorghum Association of America 

The Great Liberal Conspiracy

It's bad enough that East Coast liberals want to destroy this amazing country of ours - this SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - with their degenerate atheist, communist, homosexual agendas, but now they've done something so heinous that even this SON OF THE GREAT HEARTLAND is fuming with rage.

Why, I can hardly contain my righteous indignation!

If I wasn't head organist of the First Church of Liberty City and a role model for Christian youth in my community, I might even be inclined to burst forth with a slew of invectives at the odious and nefarious machinations of these destroyers of that which is good, noble, and pure in our great nation.

And what is it, you might ask, that has so enraged me???

Why, it is the sudden and inexplicable increase in the wholesale price of sorghum on the U.S. Grains Commodities Market from $255.00 per metric ton to a ghastly $273.00 per metric ton in a little over three months!

Sweet Lord, it's difficult enough to convince Americans to give up their perverse  love affair with inferior grain products--wheat, barley, and millet--but now we also have to deal with insanely high commodity prices for that most wholesome and pure of all GOD'S GREAT GRAINS -- sweet, savory, sublime SORGHUM!

It's enough to make a true SON OF THE WORD like yours truly almost give in to despair!

But fear not, faithful readers, for I am on my way to that DEN OF ALL VICE AND INIQUITY itself, Washington, DC, to ask my congressional representative, the honorable Tim Huelskamp, to call for an inquiry in the House of Representatives into what I believe is an evil plot to manipulate the price of sorghum on the commodities market.

As President of the Sorghum Association of America, I am privy to highly classified information that most Americans are unaware of.  And I am convinced that a great conspiracy has been hatched between the Communist Party of America and NAMBLA to manipulate the price of sorghum in order to create a coup to take over this great country of ours!  It's true, as God is my witness!!!  

Just imagine what the results of this plot would be: the price of sorghum would increase so dramatically that parents would not be able to serve their children sorghum and pudding pie, sorghum souffle would be available only in the most affluent of households, and the sorghum-based lotions that pious Christian mothers rub on their baby's sore bottoms would be priced right out of the market.

If you believe, as I do, in GOD, TRUTH, COUNTRY, and JUSTICE,  then be sure to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to FIGHT THE EVIL MANIPULATION of the sorghum commodities market!

God bless America
and
God bless sorghum, America's most wholesome grain!!!

The Facts...and Only the Facts

I've gotten involved in a debate with liberal, East Coast academics concerning THE FACTS about the human condition.  You see, these snobby atheists types doubt the truth of the Holy Bible, which everyone knows is the word of God Himself as revealed to man.  They doubt that human life has any rhyme, reason, or purpose.

But this Son of the Word set the academics straight, informing them about THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE:

Fact #1: The world was created by God who is all perfect, all loving, and all knowing. This fact has been established by all the great religions of the world and the greatest thinkers throughout the centuries.

Fact #2: We have been created for a purpose: to know, love, and serve God. To the extent that we do this, our lives are not meaningless or absurd. They have a very clear and definite purpose.

Fact #3: Death is certainly not the end of life. Those who have been saved have the promise of eternal life with the Father in heaven. We are merely passing through this world on our way to the next, like travelers to a more beautiful distant land. We may have trials and tribulations in this life, but they are nothing compared to the treasures that await us in the next life.

Fact #4: Those who deny the Father or his Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, will be subject to His judgment and will not experience the heavenly bliss promised to those who have been saved. This has clearly been established in Scripture: "“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the Eternal Fire (HELL) prepared for the Devil and His Demons." (Matt 25:41)and "That is the way it will be at the End of the World. The Angels will come and separate the Wicked people from the Righteous, throwing the Wicked into the FIERY FURNACE, where there will be WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH." (Matt 13:49-50)

These are THE FACTS that all true believers know, but which atheists in their arrogance and self-absorption have forgotten.

Trials and Tribulations

Source:  Sweetwater Times Herald Tribune (March 23, 2012)

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to fight for what is good, noble, and just against the dark forces of iniquity and perversity. And in such dire times a man has to stand true to his convictions, even if he will be persecuted for it.  Yesterday, I experienced my own Calvary moment and it made me appreciate the sorrows and agony that our own SWEET LORD experienced when he too stood up against the combined forces of SATAN and LIBERAL IDEOLOGY to "usher in our eternal glory in the name of the Father."

Now it so happens that a certain wonderful agricultural corporation that is responsible for the delectable cuts of pork and slabs of bacon that we all enjoy so much (and everyone in these parts knows who I am talking about) was interested in providing the good people of Kansas with a processing plant for pig by-products (hoofs, knees, testicles, and snouts) that are often used to create their tasty hot dogs and sundry sausages.  The plant would have been located outside of Sweetwater, Kansas, and would have meant factory jobs at the prime rate of $7.35 an hour (10 cents an hour above the minimum wage!).  All this good company asked for was about 100 acres of Sweetwater State Preserve that are virtually lying fallow as recreational land, tax breaks for the next 75 years, and the freedom from the state's onerous requirements of an environmental impact study. 

What's not to love about this kind of plan?  It's a win-win for everyone.  The people of the state get well-paying JOBS and vital land gets turned into a magical place where the underappreciated by-products of the pig--a most noble animal if ever there was one--get transformed into a delicious and nutritious substance that people around here love to eat!

But this great opportunity was about to be lost because of the selfish and ungodly actions of local environmentalists, who, in a huge leap of logic and sanity, were trying to argue that it would be wrong to give state lands that belong to the people over to a corporation.  Now, "ENVIRONMENTALIST," as you probably know, is just a code name for "ATHEIST," because the environmentalist does not understand that God gave us "the land to use for profit and industry" and "beast of the field to be transformed into victuals for man's sustenance."  And that He loves corporations like his own dear beautiful children because He knows that they have made the United States the only place on earth where HIS WORD will one day become law.

So I stood up like St. Paul before Nero and tried to get these deluded fools to understand that corporations are people too, with feelings, just like we have.  And it hurts the feelings of corporations when they are prevented from doing whatever they want to maximize their profits.  And I said that if we stood in the way of this noble industry, God would judge us most harshly when we "passed through the dark shroud of this world to grovel before him in his wrathful judgement" because we are standing in the way of the natural and harmonious progress that He wills for us.

But the evil environmentalists jeered at me and called me a fool and a whore for agribusiness and told me that I needed to find "a good psychiatrist to address my serious mental issues."  As if being a true and literal follower of the SACRED WORD of the ALMIGHTY and a Rick Santorum supporter was a sign of mental illness!

So I spoke "truth to the ungodly" and was mocked for it, even as our Christ was mocked on the cross "by the harlot and the sodomite."  But at least I made the local paper, and the head of my Church, Pastor Mordecai Rafter, called me "a TRUE SON OF THE WORD for standing up against the COMMUNIST-ATHEIST-HOMOSEXUAL-EAST-COAST-ELITIST-ENVIRONMENTALIST agenda that seeks to create a false paradise of this fallen world instead of focusing on our TRUE HOME in the CELESTIAL KINGDOM with Christ Almighty, his angels, the Prophet Gabriel, and ELOHIM in His magnificence."

That praise, I can assure you, made my sufferings at the hand of these environmental idolaters more easy to bear.  And I went to sleep last night with sweet dreams of the wrath that will inevitably befall the ungodly when HE returns in his glory.  

When Jesus Cometh

There's a lot of talk these days from Christian liberals that makes our master Jesus Christ out to be some kind of do-gooder who became incarnate to teach us about things like love, forgiveness, and human fellowship. Now I'm not saying that these sort of feel-good ideas don't have some small role to play in his teachings (I'm sure you can find them in the Gospels, if you look hard enough).  And, of course we should help our fellow man if it doesn't get in the way of taking care of our families, tending to our properties, and earning our keep on this planet.  But that's not why God ultimately took on human form.

You see, what I have learned from my many years studying HIS WORD and teaching Sunday School at the First Methodist Church of beautiful Liberty City is that our God is a jealous God who demands that we LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, REPENT OUR WAYS, and SIN NO MORE.  This is what our Master came to teach us when he took on human form in Judea over two-thousand years ago. 

The prize of following HIS WAY is salvation.  For you see, I believe that some of us have been chosen to suffer among the ungodly, so that we might have the blessings of eternal life with Christ Almighty after death.  Just imagine it: an eternity singing his praises, worshiping him, loving him, bowing down before him, and submitting joyfully to him in his rapturous glory!  I ask you: what could be more wonderful than that?  I guess that's why they call it heaven!!!

But what of those who transgress HIS LAWS?  What will happen to those wicked men and women on the last days? Pastor Rafter, who is as as wise a man as I have found in this life, says that they will endure unspeakable torments at the hands of the minsters of the Anti-Christ:  endless agony for those who "laugh now, but who later will wail unceasingly." 

But I have my own theories about what will happen to the ungodly in the next life, and I think they are much worse than the torments of hell preached by the good Pastor Rafter.  I think that the wicked will actually be forced to spend eternity engaging in all the sinful actions that have condemned them--fornication, drunkenness, idleness, gambling, homosexuality, making lewd jokes, smoking marijuana, listening to rock and roll, and reading salacious materials.  But, while the righteous will be permitted to obsequiously grovel before our Lord and sing his praises "till the heavens cease to be," the unrighteous will be locked out of the CELESTIAL TEMPLE.  Let's see how long it is before these folks begin to tire of  their vices and beg to be let in to grovel before the Lord with the Elect.  But the "door will remain barred to the sodomite and the shameless woman." 

That is truly the worst punishment that I could ever imagine!  You don't have to worry, though, if you are among God's Elect.  But how will you know if you are among those who will be saved?  It's not quite so easy to figure this out, but if you are in any of the following groups there's a very good chance that your experiences during the rapture will not be quite as pleasant as it will be for those of us who "have cast off all thoughts of this life for the life beyond":

Catholics (and all other Christians not of the Covenant)
Mormons
Buddhists
Hindus
Muslims
Reformed Jews
East Coast Dwellers
Homosexuals
Pornographers (and all smut peddlers)
Those who lie with beasts of the field or barn
Democrats (and all other godless liberals)
Communists
The Chinese

This, of course, is an incomplete list.  Anyone who is "of this world" will not be permitted entry into the next world.  In the end, only a handful of us may be raised up at the end times and the rest condemned.  Let's just call that the MYSTERIOUS JUSTICE OF THE LORD!

God Bless America

I know it sounds a bit corny, but "God Bless America" really is my favorite song.  Whenever I play it on the accordion for folks at gatherings after church and at county picnics, I always get a lump in my throat. 

And why not?  We are living in the greatest, most powerful, most decent, and most god-fearing country in the world.  Yes we have some problems (so-called intellectuals on the coasts, homosexuals with their "gay agendas" trying to convert the rest of us, socialists who try to pass themselves off as real Americans, and an alien President who is determined to destroy the Constitution).  But most of us where I live anyway "love and fear the Lord, tremble in his presence, and bow down to serve him."

"God Bless America" perfectly captures that noble spirit that has made our country the envy of the entire world.  Why, you don't hear about people wanting to move to Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Uganda....But everyone wants to live in the U.S.A., because we have what all men long for in their heart of hearts:  GOD, TRUTH, FREEDOM, RIGHTEOUSNESS, and  DECENCY.

So yes, God does bless America
and it will always be the land that I will always love.
And I sure as heck hope that He, in his mercy, continues to stand by her
and guide her through the dark night of the Obama occupation
with his bright light of truth shining from above.

AMEN

Rick Santorum - An American Hero

There's been a lot of bashing of Rick Santorum by the leftist, elitist, God-hating American media lately. Maybe these folks are just afraid of what might happen if a true BIBLE-LOVING, SON-OF-LIBERTY like Santorum was ever elected president.

You see Santorum believes in marriage, family, truth, liberty, and self-reliance--everything the liberal media, and those who control it on the East Coast, hate. They want our country to be the kind of place where people fornicate just for pleasure (as if sex apart from marriage and the desire to sire offspring could possibly be pleasurable at all!), homosexuality is openly tolerated, and government tries to force us to have things like health insurance, whether we want it or not.

That's why I'm supporting Santorum, even though he is a Catholic and an Italian. I really don't believe that he will be a pawn for some papist agenda like most Catholics, and, although I'm not crazy about foreign types in general, I know that he is a heck of a lot more American than someone with a name like O-BAM-A. At least he wasn't born in Nigeria!

Just in case you weren't completely sold on Santorum, watch this music video which makes the case why he will be a great American president: