I’ve
been studying the GOOD BOOK since I was a young Bible student at the regionally
acclaimed Johann Jakob Scheuchzer Sunday
School of the First Methodist Church of Liberty City. For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the
righteous purity of God’s sacred WORD as revealed through the majestic verses
of Scripture (particularly in its original and proper form found only in the King James Bible).
Lately,
I’ve even begun taking private lessons in scripture studies from our own
renowned Pastor Rafter, the divinely inspired congregational leader at our
Methodist Church. He’s often told me
that if he had one hundred true SONS OF THE WORD like Lance P. Dowd he could
march into Sodom itself (aka New York City) and restore the kingdom of God on
earth in “two shakes of the devil’s tail.”
That’s no small praise coming from the author of The Beginner’s Guide to Eternal Damnation: A Cautionary Tale for Would-Be
Christians!
So let’s
just say, then, that when it comes to God’s word, I’m just about as much of an
authority as you are likely to find in this sin-soaked world of ours.
And
that’s why I get seriously offended by those naïve fools who attempt to
interpret scripture to fit their own blasphemous ideas rather than those of our
good Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I
met a Catholic nun once who kept blathering about love, love, love. That’s all this deluded fool got out of 70
years of reading the bible. “It’s all
about love and forgiveness,” she said to me while we were waiting on line for
tickets to the Kansas City production of Cats
(the smuttiest nonsense I have ever seen!).
But this
devil in woman’s clothing couldn’t deceive me.
For I knew even then that Jesus hates liberal do-gooders who would
substitute His divine word for so-called “social activism.” And quoting the same book that she had so
villainously defiled, I said to her…
This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will
smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcasses of the
host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild
beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
(1 Samuel 17:46)
That shut up that disciple of the Roman Antichrist pretty
quickly, I can assure you of that!
For you see, my years of intense scripture study have convinced
me that Jesus surely loves his many faithful disciples. If you are a member of
a reputable Christian denomination (Baptist, Methodist, and Evangelicals in
general are just fine; Episcopalians and Lutherans are most assuredly not),
then Jesus loves you. If you are a true
SON OF THE WORD like I am, then Jesus loves you. If you are a member of the Republican,
Conservative, or Right-to-Life Party, then Jesus loves you (he also loves a few
righteous Libertarians like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity). If you are a testosterone-charged man of a
man, who can think of no greater pleasure in life than making sweet genital love
in the missionary position to his ample-bosomed Christian wife solely for the
purpose of siring future generations of RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS, then Jesus loves
you. If you are a devout Christian
warrior who lives for waging battle with the Devil’s most accursed disciples—ATHIESTS,
COMMUNISTS, HOMOSEXUALS, LIBERALS, HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES, PERFORMANCE ARTISTS, HUMANISTS,
SOCIAL WORKERS, MIMES, SCIENTISTS, THOSE SO-CALLED MEN WHO “DON THE GARB OF THE
FEMALE FOR PLEASURE OR PROFIT OR PERFORMANCE,” AND ALL THOSE LIVING SOUTH OF
AUGUSTA, MAINE, NORTH OF SAVANNAH, GEORGIA, OR ANYWHERE ON THE ACCURSED WEST
COAST—then Jesus loves you!
Based upon frequent consultations with Pastor Rafter, who is
well versed in all matters concerning the Rapture, I estimate that Jesus loves
approximately 4275 living human beings (3946 are living in the Bible Belt or
Heartland of the United States and the rest are in the Holy Lands waiting for
the Apocalypse). These are just
estimates of course, but Pastor Rafter thinks my numbers are probably fairly
accurate. “You’re onto something here,
Lance, my boy,” he frequently tells me during our late nights together in his darkened
office, preparing body and mind for the rapture that is to come. After these sessions my flesh is often sore
from his painful yet strangely tender ministrations, but I take consolation in
his assurance that, if he can beat the devil of inconvenience out of my flesh
and the sinful wages of lust from my heart, I will most assuredly be prepared
to receive the still sweeter consolations that Jesus Christ has in store for me
in the life to come!
But I digress. Jesus
loves his TRUE DISCIPLES, but scripture assures us that he “hateth all others.” He hateth the cursed Jew who crucified
him on the “tree of our salvation,” but enjoins us to pray for the Jews’
conversion so that He may cometh again in glory on the last days. He hateth the mamby-pamby who continually
prays for his forgiveness, for “there is no forgiveness possible for the
iniquitous and those who enjoin their bodies in lustful pleasure with small
woodland creatures.” He hateth all those
who worketh to create the kingdom of God in this world by using the political
process to “free the slave and liberate the oppressed,” for he kneweth that such
do-gooder, liberal-leaning, sons of Methuselah care not for the world to come,
“which is our true home and our most proper abode.” And He really hateth those who would proclaim
that deluded message of the environmental wacko-fascists-athiests, who, in
their misguided efforts to “heal” our planet, would make those of us who are already
prepared for the rapture wait even longer for this sinful world of ours to be
swept away into oblivion.
In short, Jesus hateth quite a lot of people. But he is our most just and gracious Lord, so
his hatred, though fierce, is perfectly reasonable and appropriate (Can any
sane person possibly doubt this?). And
if you are one of those who Christ hateth, then you best prepare yourself for
the judgment to come. As our Lord
himself said, “Think
not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a
sword. For I am come to set a man
at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the
daughter in law against her mother in law” (Matthew 10:34-35).
Of
course, you really can’t prepare in any way for his wrath, since “you know not
the time nor the hour.” And you cannot
ask for forgiveness, since, as I’ve already mentioned, Our Holy Master is not
particularly fond of those who plead for mercy.
“Have pity on me, Lord,” they shall say, “and let me be part of thy
elect.” But Jesus intensely hateth those who would whine on those last days
when their bodies are being torn asunder by the demons of the underworld and will
rejoiceth as they are made to eat the bowels of their parents and children as an
appetizer for “the true feast of their damnation.”
I know
that all of this probably all sounds like fairly heavy stuff, and indeed it is
if you are not one of those 4275 people that God loves and will raise up to
suckle at his bosom on the last days.
Fortunately, I’m one of these folks, so I care not for the “terrors that
await the sodomite and the unbeliever.”
I say, let the great conflagration come.
I can hardly contain my excitement!
Until
then, I plan to continue my search for a wholesome Christian bride, who can
bear many strapping sons for me to rejoice with when the Rapture comes, to keep
playing my accordion at the First Methodist Church of Liberty City, and to
enthusiastically spread the word about the amazing works of our Lord to all
those whom he has preordained would listen to this message of salvation and who
thus will be spared the unspeakable and horrific torments that await the rest
of mankind.
What
a wonderful life this is, isn’t it?
