ONLY 285 DAYS LEFT!!!

The divinely inspired Pastor Raftor of the First True Church of Christ in beautiful Liberty City, Kansas spoke last week to a group of youngsters at the Church's Youth Day celebrations.  The children, who varied in age from 6-14, participated with their relatives in a session called, “Preparing For the Rapture: How Not to Get Caught With Your Pants Down When Our Savior Comes in all His Glory to Judge the Living and the Dead.”

I was there with my nephew Mordecai, who lately has begun to follow his wise old uncle into battle against the forces of Satan that are all around us—atheists, homosexuals, communists, and, of course, mimes.  Like me, Mordecai understands just how insidious the great mime conspiracy is.  He even said to me the other day, “Uncle Lance, doesn’t it seem likely that the GREAT SATAN in the White House practices the evil art of mimery in the Oval Office when no one is watching?” (How perceptive is that, I ask you?)  I told him, yes, that GREAT SOCIALIST MALFACTOR is most certainly a leader of the MIME CONSPIRACY, along with Hilary Clinton (also a practicing witch) and the Catholic Pope (who keeps his mime costume hidden under his opulent robes).

Back to the youth conference.  Pastor Raftor began by chasing the demons out of some teenage girls in the audience who were seduced by the FATHER OF ALL LIES into wearing UNGODLY ATTIRE that could lead young men to lust in their hearts and lascivious thoughts in their minds.  He then shocked all of us by revealing that God had told him that the Rapture was coming sooner than any of us had thought:  285 days from now, he said, the righteous will be raised up into GLORY and the wicked (including all Catholics, Jews, Standup Comics, East and West Coast Dwellers, and, of course, men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit) will be cast into THE FIREY PIT.

The children were in tears; the adults fell to the ground with great groans and heavy sighs, praying to the Almighty to have mercy.  But I was not afraid.  For I, Lance B. Dowd, son of Irma and Bob V. Dowd, know without a shred of doubt that I am certainly one of GOD’S ELECT.  For were I not, why, I ask you, would OUR HEAVENLY FATHER have inspired me to form the JESUSLAND DEVELOPMENT CORPORATION, LLC (our motto:  “Wait out the Rapture in comfort and style.”)

http://gnc1.blogspot.com/2013/07/more-on-jesusland.html

It’s sad for me to think that most of you reading this will be left behind when “THAT AWESOME AND TERRIFYING TIME” comes.  But that’s what you get for not embracing the TRUE FAITH OF OUR LORD, for consorting with WANTON WOMEN and SHAMELESS MEN, for lusting after THE WICKED THINGS OF THIS WORLD and LAUGHING, LAUGHING, LAUGHING instead of wailing with “TEARS OF TRUE REPENTENCE” for your sinful, ungodly lives.  God is indeed merciful and loving, but he’s also a “VENGEFUL GOD,” who will allow sinners like all of you to stew in the fires of your own inequity during those last days while demons pick at your entrails.  That’s called “THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF DIVINE JUSTICE.”

Of course, if you want to try to be saved, you can always join us waiting out the Rapture at Jesusland in Plano, Texas (voted sixth most conservative town in the USA).  Besides being a very Jesus-friendly place to live, Plano is also the corporate headquarters of some of God’s favorite multinational companies like  Frito-Lay, Dr. Pepper, and home of the new custom-built Pizza Hut Park.  Elegant homes for elegant evangelicals starting at just $142,000!  That’s a bargain that might just save you when the end times come in 285 DAYS!

When Jesus Cometh

There's a lot of talk these days from Christian liberals that makes our master Jesus Christ out to be some kind of do-gooder who became incarnate to teach us about things like love, forgiveness, and human fellowship. Now I'm not saying that these sort of feel-good ideas don't have some small role to play in his teachings (I'm sure you can find them in the Gospels, if you look hard enough).  And, of course we should help our fellow man if it doesn't get in the way of taking care of our families, tending to our properties, and earning our keep on this planet.  But that's not why God ultimately took on human form.

You see, what I have learned from my many years studying HIS WORD and teaching Sunday School at the First Methodist Church of beautiful Liberty City is that our God is a jealous God who demands that we LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, REPENT OUR WAYS, and SIN NO MORE.  This is what our Master came to teach us when he took on human form in Judea over two-thousand years ago. 

The prize of following HIS WAY is salvation.  For you see, I believe that some of us have been chosen to suffer among the ungodly, so that we might have the blessings of eternal life with Christ Almighty after death.  Just imagine it: an eternity singing his praises, worshiping him, loving him, bowing down before him, and submitting joyfully to him in his rapturous glory!  I ask you: what could be more wonderful than that?  I guess that's why they call it heaven!!!

But what of those who transgress HIS LAWS?  What will happen to those wicked men and women on the last days? Pastor Rafter, who is as as wise a man as I have found in this life, says that they will endure unspeakable torments at the hands of the minsters of the Anti-Christ:  endless agony for those who "laugh now, but who later will wail unceasingly." 

But I have my own theories about what will happen to the ungodly in the next life, and I think they are much worse than the torments of hell preached by the good Pastor Rafter.  I think that the wicked will actually be forced to spend eternity engaging in all the sinful actions that have condemned them--fornication, drunkenness, idleness, gambling, homosexuality, making lewd jokes, smoking marijuana, listening to rock and roll, and reading salacious materials.  But, while the righteous will be permitted to obsequiously grovel before our Lord and sing his praises "till the heavens cease to be," the unrighteous will be locked out of the CELESTIAL TEMPLE.  Let's see how long it is before these folks begin to tire of  their vices and beg to be let in to grovel before the Lord with the Elect.  But the "door will remain barred to the sodomite and the shameless woman." 

That is truly the worst punishment that I could ever imagine!  You don't have to worry, though, if you are among God's Elect.  But how will you know if you are among those who will be saved?  It's not quite so easy to figure this out, but if you are in any of the following groups there's a very good chance that your experiences during the rapture will not be quite as pleasant as it will be for those of us who "have cast off all thoughts of this life for the life beyond":

Catholics (and all other Christians not of the Covenant)
Mormons
Buddhists
Hindus
Muslims
Reformed Jews
East Coast Dwellers
Homosexuals
Pornographers (and all smut peddlers)
Those who lie with beasts of the field or barn
Democrats (and all other godless liberals)
Communists
The Chinese

This, of course, is an incomplete list.  Anyone who is "of this world" will not be permitted entry into the next world.  In the end, only a handful of us may be raised up at the end times and the rest condemned.  Let's just call that the MYSTERIOUS JUSTICE OF THE LORD!