ONLY 285 DAYS LEFT!!!

The divinely inspired Pastor Raftor of the First True Church of Christ in beautiful Liberty City, Kansas spoke last week to a group of youngsters at the Church's Youth Day celebrations.  The children, who varied in age from 6-14, participated with their relatives in a session called, “Preparing For the Rapture: How Not to Get Caught With Your Pants Down When Our Savior Comes in all His Glory to Judge the Living and the Dead.”

I was there with my nephew Mordecai, who lately has begun to follow his wise old uncle into battle against the forces of Satan that are all around us—atheists, homosexuals, communists, and, of course, mimes.  Like me, Mordecai understands just how insidious the great mime conspiracy is.  He even said to me the other day, “Uncle Lance, doesn’t it seem likely that the GREAT SATAN in the White House practices the evil art of mimery in the Oval Office when no one is watching?” (How perceptive is that, I ask you?)  I told him, yes, that GREAT SOCIALIST MALFACTOR is most certainly a leader of the MIME CONSPIRACY, along with Hilary Clinton (also a practicing witch) and the Catholic Pope (who keeps his mime costume hidden under his opulent robes).

Back to the youth conference.  Pastor Raftor began by chasing the demons out of some teenage girls in the audience who were seduced by the FATHER OF ALL LIES into wearing UNGODLY ATTIRE that could lead young men to lust in their hearts and lascivious thoughts in their minds.  He then shocked all of us by revealing that God had told him that the Rapture was coming sooner than any of us had thought:  285 days from now, he said, the righteous will be raised up into GLORY and the wicked (including all Catholics, Jews, Standup Comics, East and West Coast Dwellers, and, of course, men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit) will be cast into THE FIREY PIT.

The children were in tears; the adults fell to the ground with great groans and heavy sighs, praying to the Almighty to have mercy.  But I was not afraid.  For I, Lance B. Dowd, son of Irma and Bob V. Dowd, know without a shred of doubt that I am certainly one of GOD’S ELECT.  For were I not, why, I ask you, would OUR HEAVENLY FATHER have inspired me to form the JESUSLAND DEVELOPMENT CORPORATION, LLC (our motto:  “Wait out the Rapture in comfort and style.”)

http://gnc1.blogspot.com/2013/07/more-on-jesusland.html

It’s sad for me to think that most of you reading this will be left behind when “THAT AWESOME AND TERRIFYING TIME” comes.  But that’s what you get for not embracing the TRUE FAITH OF OUR LORD, for consorting with WANTON WOMEN and SHAMELESS MEN, for lusting after THE WICKED THINGS OF THIS WORLD and LAUGHING, LAUGHING, LAUGHING instead of wailing with “TEARS OF TRUE REPENTENCE” for your sinful, ungodly lives.  God is indeed merciful and loving, but he’s also a “VENGEFUL GOD,” who will allow sinners like all of you to stew in the fires of your own inequity during those last days while demons pick at your entrails.  That’s called “THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF DIVINE JUSTICE.”

Of course, if you want to try to be saved, you can always join us waiting out the Rapture at Jesusland in Plano, Texas (voted sixth most conservative town in the USA).  Besides being a very Jesus-friendly place to live, Plano is also the corporate headquarters of some of God’s favorite multinational companies like  Frito-Lay, Dr. Pepper, and home of the new custom-built Pizza Hut Park.  Elegant homes for elegant evangelicals starting at just $142,000!  That’s a bargain that might just save you when the end times come in 285 DAYS!

COME TO JESUSLAND STARTING AT $145,000

The end of the world is coming soon. The signs are all there: gay marriage, people starting to believe in the MYTH of global warming, and MIMES taking control of our government. Can anyone doubt that every decision Obama makes is initiated by the MIME CONSPIRACY?

There's no better time to leave to Home of Satan and come to Jesusland than NOW. We have the TRUTH and the RIGHTEOUSNESS. All our women are fertile as the plains of Jordan and as wholesome as delicious sorghum (God's favorite grain). There are no liberals, feminists, atheists, homosexuals, or scientists in Jesusland, so your faith won't become corrupted the way it does in New York or California.

3 bedroom homes with elevated rapture viewing decks starting at $145,000! As a plus you get Rick Perry as your governor, the most restrictive abortion laws in the nation, and, best of all, ABSOLUTEY NO GOVERNMENTAL REGULATIONS. You can carry your AK47 in public, kill endangered species, and make fun of pants-wearing, male-hating feminists (not that there are any of these left in Texas).

Join us soon...for end times are near and you want to be where Jesus can find you during the Rapture!!!See More