What I'm Looking For in a Bride

I haven't had any luck at all in the way of Christian love. The last woman I went out with was a sorghum hater, so there was no way in Jehovah's universe that would work out. So now I'm putting the word o...ut to all of my facebook associates. If you have a niece, daughter, granddaughter or younger sister who is looking to wait out the rapture with a TRUE SON OF THE WORD, send her my way!

I do have a few things that are absolutely essential in the future Mrs. Lance B. Dowd:

1) She has to be a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD. That means a REAL CHRISTIAN: No pseudo Christians please--i.e., Catholics, Lutherans, liberal Methodists, or any other denomination that doesn't get the fact that (1) the Bible is the LITERAL WORD OF GOD, (2) the UN-RIGHTOUS can never be saved, and (3) that THE GREAT TRIBULATION IS COMING, according to Pastor Rafter, in 2 years, 47 days, 6 hours, and 52 minutes.

2) She has to be WILLING TO DO BATTLE AGAINST DEMONIC FORCES in this sin-soaked world of ours (i.e., liberals, communists, homosexuals, environmentalists, feminists, those men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit, socialists, Europeans, Obama-lovers, and Muslims...basically, anyone who is not a TRUE CHRISTIAN living in the heartland or bible belt).

3) She has to be clean--not just of heart, but body too. I've met many women who shower regularly, but don't wash between their toes the way that they should. The toes are a breeding ground for fungus and disease, and any future Mrs. Dowd will have to be careful about proper toe hygiene. In heaven there will be no toes or "other sinful appendages" but here on earth we must tend to "those orifices and appendages that lead us into sin and damnation." (Sermon of Pastor Raftor, March 3, 2005).

4) She has to exude NATURAL CHRISTIAN MODESTY. Jesus clearly has forbidden women to reveal any part of themselves that can cause any temptations of the flesh on the part of good Christian men (Luke 14:22-32). This means that the following body parts must always be covered both within and outside of the home: neck, shoulders, upper arms, breasts, back, hips, all recognized procreatory regions!!!, legs, feet, and, if extremely seductive, elbows and wrists. Any so-called woman who thinks that she can expose her flesh and still be a bride of this SON OF THE WORD is suffering from delusion. Remember, "O Children of Abraham" what happened to that other temptress, the seductive EVE--"mother of our inbred infirmity," because of her lascivious inclinations!

5) She has to recognized the wholesome, nutritious, nutty goodness of Sorghum--God's favorite grain. Any woman who thinks that I would ever eat oats or any other inferior grain product can never be the bride of this SON OF SORGHUM.

and most important of all...

6) She has to understand the REALITY OF THE MIME THREAT. Most women think mimes are cute and funny. But a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD knows that all mimes are spawns of the ANTI-CHRIST and must be ERADICATED FROM THE PLANET BEFORE JESUS RETURNS IN HIS GLORY!!!!!

I do have my ideal woman--one who meets all of my requirements to the letter--but unfortunately she's already taken. You can certainly use Michelle as a guide when searching for a proper bride for me. With a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD like her as a Jesus-loving, God-fearing, mime-hating role model, you know EXACTLY what I am looking for!