If evolution is true, then how could human beings have ridden on the backs of dinosaurs like they did in ancient times?   This is just another liberal myth -- like global warming and human rights -- designed to confuse true SONS OF THE WORD!

"For the TRUTHS of man are but Satan's lies in the eyes of our Lord who seeth all things with the eyes of eternal glory!"

My Choice for President of These United States of America

Friends of mine in beautiful Liberty City keep asking me who I plan to support for President of these United States of America after those two true CHILDREN OF THE WORD, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann were forced to withdraw from the race because of the lack of faith on the part of the Republican party establishment.   Now I have no doubts that either Rick or Michele would have made a fine president, despite their obvious limitations (him being a Catholic and her being a woman).  Both are GOD-FEARING, BIBLE-LOVING, ABORTION AND HOMOSEXUAL-HATING prophets of TRUTH AND LIBERTY.  Michele Bachmann is also quite a looker, if you ask me, and I often dream of finding a woman just like her with whom to sire the next generation of God-loving Dowds.

I told my best friend, and fellow Sorghum lover, Jeff Klinestuck, the general manager of the Humbolt County Feed Emporium in Homer, Kansas, that all I ask for in a presidental candidate is someone who...

• believes in the LITERAL TRUTH of Scripture and who does not question that TRUTH even in the darkest recesses of his heart.
• Those who do not believe in the literal truth of scripture will never understand this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF ALL CREATION AND THAT PRINCIPLE FROM WHICH ALL OTHER MORAL PRINCIPLES FLOW.
• If they don't understand this principle in their HEART OF HEARTS then they cannot be saved and therefore should not be voting for the next President of our Christian nation.

Based upon this first principle [which is also the FIRST AND MOST SUBLIME PRINCIPLE OF POLITICS], it follows that a true SON OF THE WORD who is a presidential candidate must also be one who...

• hates abortion with his whole heart mind and soul and hates those women who would murder their offspring with equal venom in his HEART OF HEARTS.
• for God has declared in Scripture "THOU SHALT NOT KILL THE INNOCENT."
• based upon this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF LIFE, this SON OF THE WORD must also support capital punishment and second amendment rights, for it follows that, if God loves the innocent, then he hates the evil-doer and wants his faithful to arm themselves against them with weapons of their choice.

• hates the homosexual with equal venom
• for God has made it clear in Scripture that a man shall not put his member in, on, or near, another man's member in wanton desire and a woman may not place her lips on another woman's bosom or belly under penalty of death.
• This principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF CONGENITAL MISCREATION, is not spelled out exactly in Scripture but is sufficiently implied to warrant acceptance by all.
• for, although "the heathen and apostate may not interpret God's law, the man who has been chosen to be among the elect, may."  And I am such a man or I would not be writing this right now.

•  hates the liberal environmentalist wacko who would deny the fruits of profit to the legitimate, God-fearing businessman in his deluded quest to "heal" the planet.
• But the planet cannot be healed, because it has not been harmed.  Why, Rush Limbaugh has proven that the planet is actually in better shape today than it ever has been in at least a million years. And, if you don't believe this, then you are beyond reason.
• And you must infer from this that all this idle chatter about Global-warming is an evil  liberal hoax designed to cause consternation to God's faithful.
• and, even if the planet is being destroyed by our actions -- which it is most certainly NOT -- this is God's will and we must accept it joyfully, since it will bring about the Rapture all the sooner.
• and, if you don't like this idea, then you most certainly are not one of God's elect. 

• loves America like a sweet young virgin unsoiled by the degenerate poisons of our age and who has hips broad enough to sire a dozen or more manly offspring and who loves the Lord with a pure and unadulterated love and whose smile is as pure as the first snows of winter and whose loins are undefiled by human members.  
• This is America as personified by Sara Palin, who, along with Michele Bachmann, is the ultimate symbol of American purity in our wanton age!

• loves freedom and liberty with the very core of his being, because FREEDOM is God's first and most wonderful gift to mankind.
• I call this THE SECOND PRINCIPLE OF GOD'S SACRED GIFT OF LIBERTY, the first being LIVE FREE OR DIE and the third being THERE IS NO FREEDOM WITHOUT ASSAULT WEAPONS.

Based upon these exacting standards, my choice for President of the United States is Terry Jones,a devoted minister of the WORD from a legitimate congregation, who hates the feminist-abortionist-homosexual-liberal agenda with his whole heart and soul and who loves his country and defends FREEDOM like a true PATRIOT.

...and that is exactly why I'm supporting TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012.

And in case you were considering voting for some candidate other than Terry Jones for President, consider this....

• It has been proven that Obama--who isn't even a real American--is a radical Islamic operative who has been put in power to destroy Christianity, undermine our American way of life, and hand the entire nation over to the SONS of MOHAMMED to usher in a long dark age of Muslim dominance over all of us.
• Mitt Romney is a Mormon....enough said.

TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT 2012

Those Whom Jesus Hateth!

I’ve been studying the GOOD BOOK since I was a young Bible student at the regionally acclaimed Johann Jakob Scheuchzer Sunday School of the First Methodist Church of Liberty City.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved the righteous purity of God’s sacred WORD as revealed through the majestic verses of Scripture (particularly in its original and proper form found only in the King James Bible).  

Lately, I’ve even begun taking private lessons in scripture studies from our own renowned Pastor Rafter, the divinely inspired congregational leader at our Methodist Church.  He’s often told me that if he had one hundred true SONS OF THE WORD like Lance P. Dowd he could march into Sodom itself (aka New York City) and restore the kingdom of God on earth in “two shakes of the devil’s tail.”  That’s no small praise coming from the author of The Beginner’s Guide to Eternal Damnation: A Cautionary Tale for Would-Be Christians!   

So let’s just say, then, that when it comes to God’s word, I’m just about as much of an authority as you are likely to find in this sin-soaked world of ours.

And that’s why I get seriously offended by those naïve fools who attempt to interpret scripture to fit their own blasphemous ideas rather than those of our good Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.  I met a Catholic nun once who kept blathering about love, love, love.  That’s all this deluded fool got out of 70 years of reading the bible.  “It’s all about love and forgiveness,” she said to me while we were waiting on line for tickets to the Kansas City production of Cats (the smuttiest nonsense I have ever seen!). 

But this devil in woman’s clothing couldn’t deceive me.  For I knew even then that Jesus hates liberal do-gooders who would substitute His divine word for so-called “social activism.”  And quoting the same book that she had so villainously defiled, I said to her…

This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcasses of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. (1 Samuel 17:46)

That shut up that disciple of the Roman Antichrist pretty quickly, I can assure you of that!

For you see, my years of intense scripture study have convinced me that Jesus surely loves his many faithful disciples. If you are a member of a reputable Christian denomination (Baptist, Methodist, and Evangelicals in general are just fine; Episcopalians and Lutherans are most assuredly not), then Jesus loves you.   If you are a true SON OF THE WORD like I am, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a member of the Republican, Conservative, or Right-to-Life Party, then Jesus loves you (he also loves a few righteous Libertarians like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity).  If you are a testosterone-charged man of a man, who can think of no greater pleasure in life than making sweet genital love in the missionary position to his ample-bosomed Christian wife solely for the purpose of siring future generations of RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS, then Jesus loves you.  If you are a devout Christian warrior who lives for waging battle with the Devil’s most accursed disciples—ATHIESTS, COMMUNISTS, HOMOSEXUALS, LIBERALS, HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES, PERFORMANCE ARTISTS, HUMANISTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, MIMES, SCIENTISTS, THOSE SO-CALLED MEN WHO “DON THE GARB OF THE FEMALE FOR PLEASURE OR PROFIT OR PERFORMANCE,” AND ALL THOSE LIVING SOUTH OF AUGUSTA, MAINE, NORTH OF SAVANNAH, GEORGIA, OR ANYWHERE ON THE ACCURSED WEST COAST—then Jesus loves you!

Based upon frequent consultations with Pastor Rafter, who is well versed in all matters concerning the Rapture, I estimate that Jesus loves approximately 4275 living human beings (3946 are living in the Bible Belt or Heartland of the United States and the rest are in the Holy Lands waiting for the Apocalypse).  These are just estimates of course, but Pastor Rafter thinks my numbers are probably fairly accurate.  “You’re onto something here, Lance, my boy,” he frequently tells me during our late nights together in his darkened office, preparing body and mind for the rapture that is to come.  After these sessions my flesh is often sore from his painful yet strangely tender ministrations, but I take consolation in his assurance that, if he can beat the devil of inconvenience out of my flesh and the sinful wages of lust from my heart, I will most assuredly be prepared to receive the still sweeter consolations that Jesus Christ has in store for me in the life to come!

But I digress.  Jesus loves his TRUE DISCIPLES, but scripture assures us that he “hateth all others.”  He hateth the cursed Jew who crucified him on the “tree of our salvation,” but enjoins us to pray for the Jews’ conversion so that He may cometh again in glory on the last days.  He hateth the mamby-pamby who continually prays for his forgiveness, for “there is no forgiveness possible for the iniquitous and those who enjoin their bodies in lustful pleasure with small woodland creatures.”  He hateth all those who worketh to create the kingdom of God in this world by using the political process to “free the slave and liberate the oppressed,” for he kneweth that such do-gooder, liberal-leaning, sons of Methuselah care not for the world to come, “which is our true home and our most proper abode.”  And He really hateth those who would proclaim that deluded message of the environmental wacko-fascists-athiests, who, in their misguided efforts to “heal” our planet, would make those of us who are already prepared for the rapture wait even longer for this sinful world of ours to be swept away into oblivion.   

In short, Jesus hateth quite a lot of people.  But he is our most just and gracious Lord, so his hatred, though fierce, is perfectly reasonable and appropriate (Can any sane person possibly doubt this?).  And if you are one of those who Christ hateth, then you best prepare yourself for the judgment to come.  As our Lord himself said, “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.  For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law” (Matthew 10:34-35). 

Of course, you really can’t prepare in any way for his wrath, since “you know not the time nor the hour.”  And you cannot ask for forgiveness, since, as I’ve already mentioned, Our Holy Master is not particularly fond of those who plead for mercy.  “Have pity on me, Lord,” they shall say, “and let me be part of thy elect.” But Jesus intensely hateth those who would whine on those last days when their bodies are being torn asunder by the demons of the underworld and will rejoiceth as they are made to eat the bowels of their parents and children as an appetizer for “the true feast of their damnation.”

I know that all of this probably all sounds like fairly heavy stuff, and indeed it is if you are not one of those 4275 people that God loves and will raise up to suckle at his bosom on the last days.  Fortunately, I’m one of these folks, so I care not for the “terrors that await the sodomite and the unbeliever.”  I say, let the great conflagration come.  I can hardly contain my excitement!

Until then, I plan to continue my search for a wholesome Christian bride, who can bear many strapping sons for me to rejoice with when the Rapture comes, to keep playing my accordion at the First Methodist Church of Liberty City, and to enthusiastically spread the word about the amazing works of our Lord to all those whom he has preordained would listen to this message of salvation and who thus will be spared the unspeakable and horrific torments that await the rest of mankind. 

What a wonderful life this is, isn’t it?

The Ultimate Discrimination

Liberals are constantly up in arms about discrimination—discrimination towards minorities, the poor, women, gays…you name it.  But I personally think that it’s just a myth that these groups are discriminated against.   Why, gays, for example, never had it better in this country than they do right now.  They’ve taken over most of our government and are rapidly becoming the majority in places like New York, Vermont, and California.   Soon we’ll all be forced to drink lattes and spend all of our time watching the Home Shopping Network.

And minorities sure can’t complain about anything, because one of their own has seized the White House.  In fact, it’s predicted that by 2050 the original white population of this amazing country of ours will wither away to practically nothing.  I’ve even heard statistics by those in the know about this issue that by 2087 there will only be about 23 people left in the country with pure Anglo-Saxon genes left uncontaminated by interracial fraternization, and all 23 will be living in Hopewell Junction, Montana (I’m saving up to buy some property there myself, just in case these predictions prove to be accurate).  The rest of the country will be some big melting pot filled with people whose gene pools have been so diluted by sordid misogynistic fraternization that they won’t even know what race they belong to! 

So I don’t really believe much in all these tales about discrimination that liberals keep dredging up.  It’s just an excuse to make good, honest, hardworking, heterosexual males like me feel guilty for the extraordinary blessings that I’ve received from the Almighty as a reward for our utter and complete fidelity to HIS WORD and HIS COVENANT.  Believe me, God knows darn well who deserves to reap the material blessings of this world and the spiritual blessings of HIS HEAVENLY KINGDOM and who doesn’t.  So if you’re a godless, effeminate liberal living in some degenerate big city like New York or San Francisco and you’re having a hard time in life, my advice to you is to stop moaning and complaining about how the world’s discriminating against you, and get some TRUE FAITH quickly so that you can become one of God’s chosen like me.  Then you’ll have all the blessings that you want in life and money will come pouring into your wallet like manna from heaven.  And if you don’t believe this then read the Bible, which is HIS WORD, and your mind will become open to THE TRUTH.

But enough of my sermonizing. 

What I really wanted to talk about is the ONLY REAL FORM of discrimination that still exists in this fallen world of ours.  This is TRUE INJUSTICE that should make every GOD-FEARING man, woman, and child take up arms and DEMAND JUSTICE!  What I’m talking about, of course, is the latest report from the U.S. Grains Council that shows where all of our U.S. agricultural subsidies are going. 

As you can see, inferior crops like corn, wheat, soybeans, cotton, and rice are getting almost all of your tax dollars.  And what about sorghum—that purest and most wholesome of all grains, the grain that God himself gave mankind as sustenance for our earthly bodies?  Why the entire sorghum industry only received a pitiful $249 million dollars in federal subsidies in 2010.  Can you believe it?

Now, in general, like all good Christian conservatives, I’m opposed to just about every form of tax ever conceived.  I sure don’t want my hard-earned money confiscated by the government and used to pay for some inner-city, unmarried, welfare queen’s fancy penthouse apartment or pay for educational programs to turn our children into HOMOSEXUAL, ATHEIST  SOCIALISTS (as the current administration would like).  In fact, I’d like to see just about every federal program strangled at birth, like some malformed chicken with five legs who has no right living anyway.   

But if we’re going to use tax dollars for anything, I can think of nothing more proper than to use them to subsidize the great American sorghum industry, which has given the world so many wonderful products that make life worth living.  Can you imagine, for example, not having sorghum and tuna casserole at your local Church picnic?  It would be unthinkable!!!

Folks like Delmar DuPree, President of the Wheat Growers Council of America, would tell you that the reason why wheat crops got $1.7 billion in subsidies is because God’s heavenly wafer consumed at the Last Supper was made from partially refined, bleached wheat.  But I think that there is some real debate about this from scripture scholars these days.  In fact, I was reading in my handy Bob Jones Biblical Concordance that the grain out of which the blessed loaf consumed by OUR MASTER and his disciples was made could have been any number of different grains common in the Holy Land.  And guess what grain is often grown there?  That’s right: good, wholesome sorghum. 

So, based upon this irrefutable evidence from one of the leading Christian Universities in the world, here’s why you need to support greater subsidizes for sorghum:

1. The Body of our Lord was transmitted to his disciples in the form of a loaf made from sorghum. 
2. When we consume this heavenly wafer, we become one with the Almighty.
3. So eating sorghum and sorghum-based products is the fastest way to attain salvation and earn your heavenly reward.
4. Taxation is only legitimate if it helps lead folks to salvation. 
5. Therefore, it is perfectly just and proper to use tax dollars to subsidize sorghum, save all of mankind from the snares of the devil, and ensure that God’s kingdom on earth will be established.

Please feel free to send this argument to your local representative and urge him to continue to support subsidies for the sorghum industry.

Lance B. Dowd
President, Sorghum Association of America 

The Great Liberal Conspiracy

It's bad enough that East Coast liberals want to destroy this amazing country of ours - this SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - with their degenerate atheist, communist, homosexual agendas, but now they've done something so heinous that even this SON OF THE GREAT HEARTLAND is fuming with rage.

Why, I can hardly contain my righteous indignation!

If I wasn't head organist of the First Church of Liberty City and a role model for Christian youth in my community, I might even be inclined to burst forth with a slew of invectives at the odious and nefarious machinations of these destroyers of that which is good, noble, and pure in our great nation.

And what is it, you might ask, that has so enraged me???

Why, it is the sudden and inexplicable increase in the wholesale price of sorghum on the U.S. Grains Commodities Market from $255.00 per metric ton to a ghastly $273.00 per metric ton in a little over three months!

Sweet Lord, it's difficult enough to convince Americans to give up their perverse  love affair with inferior grain products--wheat, barley, and millet--but now we also have to deal with insanely high commodity prices for that most wholesome and pure of all GOD'S GREAT GRAINS -- sweet, savory, sublime SORGHUM!

It's enough to make a true SON OF THE WORD like yours truly almost give in to despair!

But fear not, faithful readers, for I am on my way to that DEN OF ALL VICE AND INIQUITY itself, Washington, DC, to ask my congressional representative, the honorable Tim Huelskamp, to call for an inquiry in the House of Representatives into what I believe is an evil plot to manipulate the price of sorghum on the commodities market.

As President of the Sorghum Association of America, I am privy to highly classified information that most Americans are unaware of.  And I am convinced that a great conspiracy has been hatched between the Communist Party of America and NAMBLA to manipulate the price of sorghum in order to create a coup to take over this great country of ours!  It's true, as God is my witness!!!  

Just imagine what the results of this plot would be: the price of sorghum would increase so dramatically that parents would not be able to serve their children sorghum and pudding pie, sorghum souffle would be available only in the most affluent of households, and the sorghum-based lotions that pious Christian mothers rub on their baby's sore bottoms would be priced right out of the market.

If you believe, as I do, in GOD, TRUTH, COUNTRY, and JUSTICE,  then be sure to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to FIGHT THE EVIL MANIPULATION of the sorghum commodities market!

God bless America
and
God bless sorghum, America's most wholesome grain!!!

The Facts...and Only the Facts

I've gotten involved in a debate with liberal, East Coast academics concerning THE FACTS about the human condition.  You see, these snobby atheists types doubt the truth of the Holy Bible, which everyone knows is the word of God Himself as revealed to man.  They doubt that human life has any rhyme, reason, or purpose.

But this Son of the Word set the academics straight, informing them about THE REAL FACTS OF LIFE:

Fact #1: The world was created by God who is all perfect, all loving, and all knowing. This fact has been established by all the great religions of the world and the greatest thinkers throughout the centuries.

Fact #2: We have been created for a purpose: to know, love, and serve God. To the extent that we do this, our lives are not meaningless or absurd. They have a very clear and definite purpose.

Fact #3: Death is certainly not the end of life. Those who have been saved have the promise of eternal life with the Father in heaven. We are merely passing through this world on our way to the next, like travelers to a more beautiful distant land. We may have trials and tribulations in this life, but they are nothing compared to the treasures that await us in the next life.

Fact #4: Those who deny the Father or his Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, will be subject to His judgment and will not experience the heavenly bliss promised to those who have been saved. This has clearly been established in Scripture: "“Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the Eternal Fire (HELL) prepared for the Devil and His Demons." (Matt 25:41)and "That is the way it will be at the End of the World. The Angels will come and separate the Wicked people from the Righteous, throwing the Wicked into the FIERY FURNACE, where there will be WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH." (Matt 13:49-50)

These are THE FACTS that all true believers know, but which atheists in their arrogance and self-absorption have forgotten.