What I'm Looking For in a Bride

I haven't had any luck at all in the way of Christian love. The last woman I went out with was a sorghum hater, so there was no way in Jehovah's universe that would work out. So now I'm putting the word o...ut to all of my facebook associates. If you have a niece, daughter, granddaughter or younger sister who is looking to wait out the rapture with a TRUE SON OF THE WORD, send her my way!

I do have a few things that are absolutely essential in the future Mrs. Lance B. Dowd:

1) She has to be a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD. That means a REAL CHRISTIAN: No pseudo Christians please--i.e., Catholics, Lutherans, liberal Methodists, or any other denomination that doesn't get the fact that (1) the Bible is the LITERAL WORD OF GOD, (2) the UN-RIGHTOUS can never be saved, and (3) that THE GREAT TRIBULATION IS COMING, according to Pastor Rafter, in 2 years, 47 days, 6 hours, and 52 minutes.

2) She has to be WILLING TO DO BATTLE AGAINST DEMONIC FORCES in this sin-soaked world of ours (i.e., liberals, communists, homosexuals, environmentalists, feminists, those men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit, socialists, Europeans, Obama-lovers, and Muslims...basically, anyone who is not a TRUE CHRISTIAN living in the heartland or bible belt).

3) She has to be clean--not just of heart, but body too. I've met many women who shower regularly, but don't wash between their toes the way that they should. The toes are a breeding ground for fungus and disease, and any future Mrs. Dowd will have to be careful about proper toe hygiene. In heaven there will be no toes or "other sinful appendages" but here on earth we must tend to "those orifices and appendages that lead us into sin and damnation." (Sermon of Pastor Raftor, March 3, 2005).

4) She has to exude NATURAL CHRISTIAN MODESTY. Jesus clearly has forbidden women to reveal any part of themselves that can cause any temptations of the flesh on the part of good Christian men (Luke 14:22-32). This means that the following body parts must always be covered both within and outside of the home: neck, shoulders, upper arms, breasts, back, hips, all recognized procreatory regions!!!, legs, feet, and, if extremely seductive, elbows and wrists. Any so-called woman who thinks that she can expose her flesh and still be a bride of this SON OF THE WORD is suffering from delusion. Remember, "O Children of Abraham" what happened to that other temptress, the seductive EVE--"mother of our inbred infirmity," because of her lascivious inclinations!

5) She has to recognized the wholesome, nutritious, nutty goodness of Sorghum--God's favorite grain. Any woman who thinks that I would ever eat oats or any other inferior grain product can never be the bride of this SON OF SORGHUM.

and most important of all...

6) She has to understand the REALITY OF THE MIME THREAT. Most women think mimes are cute and funny. But a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD knows that all mimes are spawns of the ANTI-CHRIST and must be ERADICATED FROM THE PLANET BEFORE JESUS RETURNS IN HIS GLORY!!!!!

I do have my ideal woman--one who meets all of my requirements to the letter--but unfortunately she's already taken. You can certainly use Michelle as a guide when searching for a proper bride for me. With a TRUE DAUGHTER OF THE WORD like her as a Jesus-loving, God-fearing, mime-hating role model, you know EXACTLY what I am looking for!

A Mystico-Philosophical Reflection

Summer is coming to beautiful Liberty City, Kansas, and I thought I would post a reflection to get us in the right sprit of this special season:

"Those who walketh in the path of UN-righteous-NESS will trembleth in those last days when the... UN-BELIEVER will experience the FULL FURY of our LORD'S WRATH, for HE (our Lord, not the un-believer) is JUST as well as FORGIVING, but he shall not forgiveth those who spurn his ETERNAL WORD by consorting with harlots, and santanists, and men who don the garb of women for pleasure or profit, and--worst of all according to the dictates of HOLY SCRIPTURE--MIMES, MIMES, MIMES, whose filth is all pervasive and whose scorn of the LORD and his WAYS is evident through their lascivious acts and immoral attire (and who are justly condemned according to the LAW OF SACRED SCRIPTURE, the teachings of the Apostles and the prophets of the TRUE FAITH--not the Catholic Church or other APOSTATE, pseudo-Christian sects) with the worst punishment imaginable, which is nothing other than to have to remain in this web of filth, sin, and ignominy we calleth the WORLD while the TRUE MEN OF GOD get to sing "HOSANNAH, HOSANNAH, HOSANNAH to HIM (The Father, not the un-believer) for ALL ETERNITY, spared from all lures and temptations of the flesh, which we know to be INTOXICATING WINE, LACIVIOUS WOMEN, and INSIDIOUS SONG (Gen. 22:43), while the MIME--their true LORD AND SAVIOR, who really is OBAMA--strutteth around making obscene gestures in total impious silence ."

This says it all. 

Join the path of the righteous NOW or swim in the filthy, fetid, feverish cesspool that is the WAY OF THE WORLD!!!

Brought to you by the Jesusland Real Estate Project
Because the end is coming sooner than you think!!!!

The Next Mrs. Lance B. Dowd???

Now that my mother Mrs. Irma Dowd (1936 Miss Christian Kentucky) is getting on in years, it's more important than ever for me to find a sweet, wholesome woman with good child-bearing hips to continue the long line of Dowds who have labored, oft-times in vain, to build God's kingdom in this sin-drenched world. My long deceased father, Lance Dowd Sr., always used to tell me, "Woman is the lure of S...atan, Lance. But if you have to sin, better to do it with a good Christian woman than with a beast of the field (a reference perhaps to the fate that befell my cousin Norbert).

There are beasts of the fields aplenty here in GOD'S COUNTRY (Liberty City, Kansas), but all the women have been corrupted by the great plague of SOCIALISM that is taking over this land since Obama stole the last two presidental elections. Anyone know where a SON OF THE WORD can find a good Christian bride to enjoy the Second Coming with?

 

 

If evolution is true, then how could human beings have ridden on the backs of dinosaurs like they did in ancient times?   This is just another liberal myth -- like global warming and human rights -- designed to confuse true SONS OF THE WORD!

"For the TRUTHS of man are but Satan's lies in the eyes of our Lord who seeth all things with the eyes of eternal glory!"

My Choice for President of These United States of America

Friends of mine in beautiful Liberty City keep asking me who I plan to support for President of these United States of America after those two true CHILDREN OF THE WORD, Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann were forced to withdraw from the race because of the lack of faith on the part of the Republican party establishment.   Now I have no doubts that either Rick or Michele would have made a fine president, despite their obvious limitations (him being a Catholic and her being a woman).  Both are GOD-FEARING, BIBLE-LOVING, ABORTION AND HOMOSEXUAL-HATING prophets of TRUTH AND LIBERTY.  Michele Bachmann is also quite a looker, if you ask me, and I often dream of finding a woman just like her with whom to sire the next generation of God-loving Dowds.

I told my best friend, and fellow Sorghum lover, Jeff Klinestuck, the general manager of the Humbolt County Feed Emporium in Homer, Kansas, that all I ask for in a presidental candidate is someone who...

• believes in the LITERAL TRUTH of Scripture and who does not question that TRUTH even in the darkest recesses of his heart.
• Those who do not believe in the literal truth of scripture will never understand this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF ALL CREATION AND THAT PRINCIPLE FROM WHICH ALL OTHER MORAL PRINCIPLES FLOW.
• If they don't understand this principle in their HEART OF HEARTS then they cannot be saved and therefore should not be voting for the next President of our Christian nation.

Based upon this first principle [which is also the FIRST AND MOST SUBLIME PRINCIPLE OF POLITICS], it follows that a true SON OF THE WORD who is a presidential candidate must also be one who...

• hates abortion with his whole heart mind and soul and hates those women who would murder their offspring with equal venom in his HEART OF HEARTS.
• for God has declared in Scripture "THOU SHALT NOT KILL THE INNOCENT."
• based upon this principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF LIFE, this SON OF THE WORD must also support capital punishment and second amendment rights, for it follows that, if God loves the innocent, then he hates the evil-doer and wants his faithful to arm themselves against them with weapons of their choice.

• hates the homosexual with equal venom
• for God has made it clear in Scripture that a man shall not put his member in, on, or near, another man's member in wanton desire and a woman may not place her lips on another woman's bosom or belly under penalty of death.
• This principle, which I call THE FIRST PRINCIPLE OF CONGENITAL MISCREATION, is not spelled out exactly in Scripture but is sufficiently implied to warrant acceptance by all.
• for, although "the heathen and apostate may not interpret God's law, the man who has been chosen to be among the elect, may."  And I am such a man or I would not be writing this right now.

•  hates the liberal environmentalist wacko who would deny the fruits of profit to the legitimate, God-fearing businessman in his deluded quest to "heal" the planet.
• But the planet cannot be healed, because it has not been harmed.  Why, Rush Limbaugh has proven that the planet is actually in better shape today than it ever has been in at least a million years. And, if you don't believe this, then you are beyond reason.
• And you must infer from this that all this idle chatter about Global-warming is an evil  liberal hoax designed to cause consternation to God's faithful.
• and, even if the planet is being destroyed by our actions -- which it is most certainly NOT -- this is God's will and we must accept it joyfully, since it will bring about the Rapture all the sooner.
• and, if you don't like this idea, then you most certainly are not one of God's elect. 

• loves America like a sweet young virgin unsoiled by the degenerate poisons of our age and who has hips broad enough to sire a dozen or more manly offspring and who loves the Lord with a pure and unadulterated love and whose smile is as pure as the first snows of winter and whose loins are undefiled by human members.  
• This is America as personified by Sara Palin, who, along with Michele Bachmann, is the ultimate symbol of American purity in our wanton age!

• loves freedom and liberty with the very core of his being, because FREEDOM is God's first and most wonderful gift to mankind.
• I call this THE SECOND PRINCIPLE OF GOD'S SACRED GIFT OF LIBERTY, the first being LIVE FREE OR DIE and the third being THERE IS NO FREEDOM WITHOUT ASSAULT WEAPONS.

Based upon these exacting standards, my choice for President of the United States is Terry Jones,a devoted minister of the WORD from a legitimate congregation, who hates the feminist-abortionist-homosexual-liberal agenda with his whole heart and soul and who loves his country and defends FREEDOM like a true PATRIOT.

...and that is exactly why I'm supporting TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012.

And in case you were considering voting for some candidate other than Terry Jones for President, consider this....

• It has been proven that Obama--who isn't even a real American--is a radical Islamic operative who has been put in power to destroy Christianity, undermine our American way of life, and hand the entire nation over to the SONS of MOHAMMED to usher in a long dark age of Muslim dominance over all of us.
• Mitt Romney is a Mormon....enough said.

TERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT 2012